It's been too long. My blank page below awaits my thoughts eagerly. The keyboard clicks and clacks and my mind sinks into a world of words and confusion and one by one the words line up across the screen forming sentences, thoughts, ideas and context to my reader.
Writing is an art. There are many right and wrong ways but everything is soley dependant on perspective. What a comment! What in our lives is not dependant on our perspective. I mean at the end of the day, what we see, hear, feel, taste or otherwise experience is an extraordinary complicated mess of interpretation based soley off the firing of neurons and the connections that have been previously created, some inherently and other learned through time. Picturing the human brain firing up for a sentence is amazing. If you could watch me write this peice on a PET scan you would see colors in many areas of my brain. As I picture the picture that you're now seeing. We are curious creatures. Complex and simple simultaneously.
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I end my time at Johns Hopkins Hospital today. As a goodbye to my first professional family, friends and mentors I find myself feeling torn apart and stronger than ever. I am excited to movc on, to take my career in the direction it is headed but leaving behind the comfort formed here is nostalgic.
For months I struggled, I prayed, I fought forward, wishing and hoping for this opportunity, and here it is. The time has come. In this moment, on this day, my attitude going forward must remain strong. Remain.... as if its been nearly that, haha. Often people tell me I am inspiring, or strong... and I love to hear it, but they don't see me collapsing behind every closed door.
I am strong, because I Will never give up. I do hope that that will to survive and progress is inspriring. I even hope that my humbling honesty allows people to feel safe in their own skin, to know that despite my achievements, despite the external, when I see myself, I do not feel strong, I do not feel inspiring, I do not feel like much at all. I feel like a child, searching desperately for a place of comfort.
What's wrong with that? Except that life has very few comfort zones. Life is tough, that's what makes it so damn beautiful. That is what makes getting up in the morning worth it. You get one, solitary lifetime to do anything and everything you want. The only things that block your path are your beliefs, your perspective, your thought patterns and those tiny little firing neuronal connections. You can change them.
Sometimes I don't know if people know that. You can change the patterns of how chemicals are released in your mind, you can change which memories are triggered and what parts of your life become the basic groundwork. Thats all yours, the mind is maleable. How do we know this?
We know becuase there is disease, malfuntion of the body. By seeing and studying the ways the body breaks down, we get to see how it functions. The tough part is that the human brain is imcomparable to say the human knee. Even the knee is complex, but from soft tissue, bone and nerves to the atomic level of it functions, is comprehensible. The human brain however, has so many intricacies that try as we do, the list of ways things go awry is endless, and often difficult if not impossible to explain. Through disease of the mind we have learned of chemical changes, hormonal changes, neuronal changes, pressure changes, cellular changes, etc....
So, the point is, you're in control of your own being, your own thoughts, perspectives and what you show the world. But everyone has weaknesses, if they're viewed as weaknesses, for me they are my emotions. I feel, I feel too deeply, in my opinion and I despise feeling.... the good and the bad... they both make me very aware of my being- which is an uncomfortable state. Good feelings create fear of loss, bad feelings create fear of the endless abyss of fear. Fear itself, perpetuates Fear. And so you can totally immbolize a very powerful, strong being.
When I was living a life of nothing to lose, that freedom literally freed me. The past few months, I gave up my freedom- not literally but in my own attitude and perspective. By allowing myself to view my freedom as hindered I perperuated a fear cycle that continually pulls me back into its grips. Which, for the record, is highly annoying. There are only a few things in this life that truly scare me
1) ticks
2) abandonment
3) Purposeful deceit
Other than that... haha. Ok ok so these things are very unequal... but nonetheless quite real. Ticks are evil, that is my belief and I have no interest in thinking any different, period.
Abandonment is a bullshit thing to be afraid of, since I am not afraid of being alone, I am afraid of attachment and losing the object of attachment- One of the the known human qualities. If you never suffer from attachment and / or loss then you are an "enlightened being". Also, something I have come to believe. However, this one has ties in places in my body and my mind that can literally make me ill physically and mentally. Purposeful deceit stems from the idea, and also based on attachment, attachment to expectations.
Therefore, in summation to this highly random and somewhat wandering posting, I believe that it is time to change my attitude toward human suffering and instead of allowing it to produce fear, instead let it allow me to push further onward. I mean, seriously, I have some rather large goals that are hard for me to concieve at times.... I need to get to work. I don't have time to worry about every intricate matter of who comes and goes in my life. The Door to my life is an open one, come in anytime, have some coffee, tea or even lemonade, stay awhile with me. If you go, the door remains open. No friend, no lover, no foe shall ever need to worry about finding a key.
Oh, thats sounds so friendly, so calming, but highly unrealistic. Nonetheless I do hope one day that I have transformed my own mind and patterns enough to say that I can truly love and trust people without anxiety and fear of their leaving. I mean thats why medicine is so pleasant. You have the opportunity to love every human that comes through your door, with no attachment necessary, in fact contra-indicated. A safe haven for a loving soul who fears being ripped to shreads by deceit and abdonment.
Well, I just ran out of steam, which is good, because you've likely lost track of where this is headed, I know I have... just kidding. I just wanted to do some free writing, get some ideas out. I've been letting myself down lately, on a very personal level, and I just think its about time I stand up for myself. So thats how this started and thats how it is finishing.
Running @ Seneca Greenway 50K this weekend, nothing crazy, just a gorgeous long run with some good people.
Loving My Life, for ALL that it is <3
