All week long I had been looking forward to a nice mid-distance Friday run and a really long 34 mi run on Saturday- 20 of which I would have great company for. And Then I get the text from my dear friend who was planning to come visit on Saturday when I'd finished my crazy adventure; "Meg, I don't think I can make it with the snow/ sleet this weekend......" I was like... snow? Sleet? So i checked to forecast and NOoooooo! All of a sudden at 34 miles to coordinate into my weekend alone. Not to mention the temperature outside was NOT pleasant.
I actually got this text while I was biking ... after my 8 mile run, I was feeling good and right on my very planned out "day off from work" schedule......When I realized I'd better start ticking the miles off. So I jumped on the treadmill and grabbed 14 more miles finishing up with just enough to time to stretch briefly, stuff my face, shower and hit the road for some appointments and errands.
A common question: How do you do you train on a treadmill?
I utilize the change in speed and the change in elevation often, fooling myself into creating intervals of time that make it seem faster (I've also trained on a treadmill in the past exclusively for almost all of my 3yr stay in Northern NJ- and practice helps). If you know you're going to be on there more than hour I suggest chosing a show or movie you actually want to watch.... subtitles- where exhausting actually create a better distraction. Music helps as long as it changes pace enough to keep you feeling like "Hey, I like this song, I can handle 3more minutes and 27 seconds....".
Also, in my opinion... change sneakers every 10-14 miles.... on a treadmill there's NO variation so you're pounding the same bones in your feet and fatiguing the sam muscles OVER and OVER and so on.
Ppl might think this one is nutz, i guess it depends on your comfort level on the treadmill, but play with your gait once in a while a few wide steps, and few high knees... maybe pretend you're running around a shallow bend in the road and stay to the more-right side and then the more-left side of the belt (like i said it sounds crazy) but you'll feel the difference in your legs. Take the time to shake your arms out, the positioning of your arms on a treadmill is somewhat restricted by space/ your minds perception of space... be sure you're not running with your back muscles and shoulders tights, let your arms be loose, shoulders in the sockets and relaxed. Keep your lower belly lightly contracted (in & up) to protect your spine from the consistent pounding and finally, since it can't be said enough- practice, get to know your body. Notice your breathing, utilize your lung capacity to oxygenate your cells and breath of waste, not to mention, find relaxation in your efforts.
So my day went on and I made it home with 15 min until a friend came by, so i figured why not grab one more mile... so i did that... now at 21mi complete and the likelihood the I'd meet up with my running buddy- the only one possibly insane enough to try to weather the storm was slim. Once social time was over I downed a little mountain dew and went to rock out the last 13.2 miles of my run.
During treadmill training runs (aka- I'm a wimp, and I don't run in under 28 degrees (unless I have company and a lot of "Hot hands".) I often try to avoid thinking how long I've been on there and how many people are thinking "What is wrong with her.... how long has she been on there" I often hope they just don't notice I exist.... but the gym in my apartment building really isn't big enough to not notice.
Anyway being indoors this run was less exciting than most, around 32 miles I was done... I was bored and hungry and didn't want to go on. So you start ticking off every 0.1 with a lot of pride, reminding yourself that this just an important step... in the process of learning how to run ultra-distances. Anyway I made it, and felt good- great actually, only mild pain in my Left ankle...which means despite my efforts the muscles in my Left leg are still not aligned/ coordinated and my gait remains off by a cm or maybe millimeters... hard to tell, frustrating, but this was the least pain I'd been in- SO I'm happy with that.
AKA: SO FAR SO GOOD.
Coming up:
SF: Golden Gate Trail 50k on Feb 11th!!!
Monday, January 23, 2012
Monday, January 2, 2012
31.12 Miles... A New Level of CraZed
After the week before, I wasn't so sure about this long run idea I had previously designed into my training plan. I personally use a very unusual training method, one not commonly used by those aspiring to a specific goal... AKA if you want to be FAST, improve cardiovascularly, lose weight, idk what else, but loads of benefits come from training plans... however, I adhere too tightly to them, as if they are a life line, so instead of following a predetermined specific POA (plan of action) I go off of feel... I run long and slow, or fast and short or any combination I feel because usually how you ran before makes you feel like you need a harder or easier day to follow anyway creating a natural pattern of pushing yourself and recovering.
My biggest weakness is proper recovery. I believe whole heartedly that what you use/ overuse as an endurance athlete needs rest to repair and strengthen, however any patterned exercise- biking, swimming, running, rowing, etc.... miss enough muscles that there's usually always some sort of cross training to be utilized- even if its just a long slow walk with friends.....(yoga is kind of amazing too- though honestly most ppl, and definitely myself, often go too hard, even at yoga, for it to provide proper recovery.
That being said, yoga is fantastic to get your muscles retrained. If you ran so hard/ lifted- whatever it is you did... your muscles may actually feel as though they are uncoordinated- an effect that is created by fatigued muscles... yoga has a way or rebalancing your body and preparing you to jump back into training feeling stronger and more recovered (not to mention refreshing your mind, provided somewhat of a "clean-slate" effect).
On another interesting note about recovery- if you do anything that requires endurance you probably burn through your body's Magnesium resources quicker than you think... magnesium has become a great source of interest in both sport science as well as psychology for its integral effects on muscles and calcium balance (for those who didn't study bio/ forgot... without calcium- your muscles dont relax=> cramps/ over training etc....). The most basic and simple example of the importance of recovery.... if you muscles dont relax, they dont recover, they dont last long- to say the least. Consider supplementing with a Cal/ Mag supplement. I only once so far utilized the supplements before during and after my run, but felt better during and after my run than usual.... so many factors though, was it the supplements? who knows... but it wont hurt you- unless you go crazy with it (BALANCE.... no need to overdose).
So, there I was, I took the week after Xmas easy, listening to my body and feeling it one day at time, sleeping in till 6am when I needed it, and utilizing biking/ swimming and yoga. Running a total of 14 miles for the week up to Saturday... And what would I do... 16 was definite... but I secretly still hoped to make my 31 mi goal that I had set before to the upcoming weeks since I have other obligations beyond spending 5 hours of my day running...(aka if i didn't do it now, I couldnt schedule 5 hrs for running again until Jan twenty-something).
4:55 alarm comes and goes, the same with the 5:10 and 5:20 alarms. 5:30 I finally convince myself to start to move... prepping myself to have food for the full 31, but only mentally setting my mind on 20 mi...
Meeting my friends at 8 I needed to get the easy starting miles done before they came so I wouldnt be mentally dragging myself for the remaining miles in case I felt like I had on Christmas Eve. I began at 6:25, with my new head lamp (thanks JB <3) and hit the Grist Trail... about 2 mi in I headed up an actually trail, playing russian roulette with my ankles and my fear as it was still completely dark besides the glowing beam from my head lamp (which feels like you're perpetually running in direct moonlight- very romantic. Hills!! I found hills and twists and turns... and a WHAT!... Yea... I screamed out loud in the empty forest as a squirrel that I frightened scattered and scared the %*@* out of me. I laughed and kept on.... Looping back to the main paved trail around mile 6 I headed back to the trail head as it neared 8 am. Completing 9.25 miles and having my second breakfast and some water, a mag/cal supplement and then we headed back in for the next 8.7 mi, All 7 of us... Everyone was strong today the weather was perfect and the later-than-weekday start made for a relaxing morning. Miles ticked away as we chatted about running, jobs, relationships, new years plans and personal reflections. 18 miles into the run... breakfast #3.... a half frozen power bar... my jaw was cramping trying to chew!!
3 of us remaining. We head back in for more miles, leaving just two of us around around my 20 mile mark. Pain has just started to become apparent, a few strange aches and pains, but nothing of concern, we chug along... conversation has dropped to a minimum as we both mentally talk ourselves into taking the next step. Personally, I know I was hoping to think of a great conversation starter to distract both me and my running buddy from our growing mentally weaknesses. Little came to mind....
Mile 22- don't recall too much except that I took my coat off... December 31st, 2011... and it was sunny and warm enough for me (the perpetual popsicle child) to run in just a long-sleeve shirt... what a treat! Yes, I'm serious- it felt so freeing, to have less on...
With a fist bump, a hug and a happy new years, I am alone, with 4 miles left to make my 31... i get back to my pace, 8:50 and chug along... as I watch 28.5 role past on my watch, I know I've made it to a new longest run... and now with 2 miles between me and my car... I didn't have much of a choice- I'd atleast make 30.5.... I could suck it up for an extra 1/2 mile right? Well, yes, I guess so... the fifty people on the public trail, riding, walking and rolling their kids around in strollers must have thought I was crazy- looping back and forth for that last 1/2 mile.... probably the best moment of that last mile occurred as I rounded the top of the last hill and two sisters, I'd guess 5 and 7 come racing one another down the path... and behind them is mom, dad and a 3 yr old younger sister on dad's shoulder... you hear mom call out to her 5 yr old- "Go Meg Go! You can do it, Way to go Meg!".... I mean really- what are the chances? .... I figure... somehow, the universe brought this moment into being... why not let it be for me too? So I borrowed a bit of the support and crossed the bridge to the trail head and jogged till the my watch read 31.1.... DONE. Who'd have thought? Maybe the 50 is do-able... But for now... it was time to rest and prepare for a night of Celebration as we roll into an even year... (never been a fan of odd numbers)... Happy 2012!
And now for a very relaxing week of gentle recovery as I drop to the bottom of my next climb, I will not pass the 31 mile point for almost 6 weeks now... as the next big Thing... happens to be a 50K trail race in SF on Feb 11th!... One step at time, one day at time,... continuing to learn, to grow and to succeed by never quitting.
"If he follows his passion with heartfelt intensity, if he dedicates himself unreservedly to his calling, he will persevere and ultimately find fulfillment, no matter where his life may lead him." - Dean Karno (Ultramarathon man).
My biggest weakness is proper recovery. I believe whole heartedly that what you use/ overuse as an endurance athlete needs rest to repair and strengthen, however any patterned exercise- biking, swimming, running, rowing, etc.... miss enough muscles that there's usually always some sort of cross training to be utilized- even if its just a long slow walk with friends.....(yoga is kind of amazing too- though honestly most ppl, and definitely myself, often go too hard, even at yoga, for it to provide proper recovery.
That being said, yoga is fantastic to get your muscles retrained. If you ran so hard/ lifted- whatever it is you did... your muscles may actually feel as though they are uncoordinated- an effect that is created by fatigued muscles... yoga has a way or rebalancing your body and preparing you to jump back into training feeling stronger and more recovered (not to mention refreshing your mind, provided somewhat of a "clean-slate" effect).
On another interesting note about recovery- if you do anything that requires endurance you probably burn through your body's Magnesium resources quicker than you think... magnesium has become a great source of interest in both sport science as well as psychology for its integral effects on muscles and calcium balance (for those who didn't study bio/ forgot... without calcium- your muscles dont relax=> cramps/ over training etc....). The most basic and simple example of the importance of recovery.... if you muscles dont relax, they dont recover, they dont last long- to say the least. Consider supplementing with a Cal/ Mag supplement. I only once so far utilized the supplements before during and after my run, but felt better during and after my run than usual.... so many factors though, was it the supplements? who knows... but it wont hurt you- unless you go crazy with it (BALANCE.... no need to overdose).
So, there I was, I took the week after Xmas easy, listening to my body and feeling it one day at time, sleeping in till 6am when I needed it, and utilizing biking/ swimming and yoga. Running a total of 14 miles for the week up to Saturday... And what would I do... 16 was definite... but I secretly still hoped to make my 31 mi goal that I had set before to the upcoming weeks since I have other obligations beyond spending 5 hours of my day running...(aka if i didn't do it now, I couldnt schedule 5 hrs for running again until Jan twenty-something).
4:55 alarm comes and goes, the same with the 5:10 and 5:20 alarms. 5:30 I finally convince myself to start to move... prepping myself to have food for the full 31, but only mentally setting my mind on 20 mi...
Meeting my friends at 8 I needed to get the easy starting miles done before they came so I wouldnt be mentally dragging myself for the remaining miles in case I felt like I had on Christmas Eve. I began at 6:25, with my new head lamp (thanks JB <3) and hit the Grist Trail... about 2 mi in I headed up an actually trail, playing russian roulette with my ankles and my fear as it was still completely dark besides the glowing beam from my head lamp (which feels like you're perpetually running in direct moonlight- very romantic. Hills!! I found hills and twists and turns... and a WHAT!... Yea... I screamed out loud in the empty forest as a squirrel that I frightened scattered and scared the %*@* out of me. I laughed and kept on.... Looping back to the main paved trail around mile 6 I headed back to the trail head as it neared 8 am. Completing 9.25 miles and having my second breakfast and some water, a mag/cal supplement and then we headed back in for the next 8.7 mi, All 7 of us... Everyone was strong today the weather was perfect and the later-than-weekday start made for a relaxing morning. Miles ticked away as we chatted about running, jobs, relationships, new years plans and personal reflections. 18 miles into the run... breakfast #3.... a half frozen power bar... my jaw was cramping trying to chew!!
3 of us remaining. We head back in for more miles, leaving just two of us around around my 20 mile mark. Pain has just started to become apparent, a few strange aches and pains, but nothing of concern, we chug along... conversation has dropped to a minimum as we both mentally talk ourselves into taking the next step. Personally, I know I was hoping to think of a great conversation starter to distract both me and my running buddy from our growing mentally weaknesses. Little came to mind....
Mile 22- don't recall too much except that I took my coat off... December 31st, 2011... and it was sunny and warm enough for me (the perpetual popsicle child) to run in just a long-sleeve shirt... what a treat! Yes, I'm serious- it felt so freeing, to have less on...
With a fist bump, a hug and a happy new years, I am alone, with 4 miles left to make my 31... i get back to my pace, 8:50 and chug along... as I watch 28.5 role past on my watch, I know I've made it to a new longest run... and now with 2 miles between me and my car... I didn't have much of a choice- I'd atleast make 30.5.... I could suck it up for an extra 1/2 mile right? Well, yes, I guess so... the fifty people on the public trail, riding, walking and rolling their kids around in strollers must have thought I was crazy- looping back and forth for that last 1/2 mile.... probably the best moment of that last mile occurred as I rounded the top of the last hill and two sisters, I'd guess 5 and 7 come racing one another down the path... and behind them is mom, dad and a 3 yr old younger sister on dad's shoulder... you hear mom call out to her 5 yr old- "Go Meg Go! You can do it, Way to go Meg!".... I mean really- what are the chances? .... I figure... somehow, the universe brought this moment into being... why not let it be for me too? So I borrowed a bit of the support and crossed the bridge to the trail head and jogged till the my watch read 31.1.... DONE. Who'd have thought? Maybe the 50 is do-able... But for now... it was time to rest and prepare for a night of Celebration as we roll into an even year... (never been a fan of odd numbers)... Happy 2012!
And now for a very relaxing week of gentle recovery as I drop to the bottom of my next climb, I will not pass the 31 mile point for almost 6 weeks now... as the next big Thing... happens to be a 50K trail race in SF on Feb 11th!... One step at time, one day at time,... continuing to learn, to grow and to succeed by never quitting.
"If he follows his passion with heartfelt intensity, if he dedicates himself unreservedly to his calling, he will persevere and ultimately find fulfillment, no matter where his life may lead him." - Dean Karno (Ultramarathon man).
Monday, December 26, 2011
Training Run -28mi
The alarm sounds at 5:10 am, and feeling surprisingly well rested despite waking up three time in anticipation of my early morning run, I get into my running gear. I add an extra layer on both top and bottom as i hear the wind whipping through the trees outside the dark window. Sunrise was to be at 7:16 in Goshen, CT today.... that means I had quite a bit to get through before there would be any light.
Running down stairs and toasting up some bread and smothering it with PB and honey and drinking the last bit of my morning Liter of water. I take my omeprazole (tummy protectant, also keeps me safe if i need to pop a couple ibprofen mid run). And Im out the door... i jump in my car heading to the local camp to leave my car at "home base".... I step outside and vote its too cold to loose the extra layers, and too cold to waste time rubbing on the icy hot. So I strap my camelback on and my blinker (so I dont get hit by cars) and my little mini light, so I can see where I am stepping, and I take off running. Without much more than a seconds thought I was rolling through mile 5 mark, overly warm with "hot hands" in my gloves and shoes, I stripped my second jacket off.
I decided to take a well known route: miles 1.5-5 of the Litchfield Hills Road race course, taking me up past the high school and down past the track into White's woods and looping back, now at about 8 miles I decided to explore a new trail I'd never taken. So far so good, although strangely enough as the sun began to rise the temperature dropped. Me, now damp with sweat began to get colder, and the first wall hit... less than 10 miles into my 28 miles, I calmed myself knowing I was still running 8:30 pace comfortably, I could always slow down. I would be ok, right? doubt began to rise.
The path was gorgeous, and little did I know came out a well known road in Litchfield. Suddenly without planning I had tacked a couple more miles to my loop... which was Ideal, adding in more hills and tricking myself into the thought that I felt good.
The reality of this run was when I was at 11miles, I began to question my goal... or goals... all of them. What was I thinking, my Iliotibial band was already spasming creating an irritating, though not awful, pain in my knee. I was cold, my face was so frozen that moving my jaw was difficult. Eating my Hammer "gel" was awful, it was so solidified that I could barely squeeze out the nutrition while trying not to cut my lips on the packaging. My knees overall felt frozen, moving was hard and forceful, running on my legs in the cold feels the way I'd imagine running on wooden legs (like that of pirate from old cartoons) would feel. Painful, difficult but overall annoying. Did I mention my camelback hose froze... so much for water...:/... I would stop when necessary and drink straight out of the pouch- much better than nothing.
Mile 12 was a nice break, looping around my absolutely favorite place to run, the Litchfield CT Boardwalk, the bouncy wood was a nice break for my legs, the slick ice was worrisome with water on both sides, and no other souls around... but well worth the views. Two swans in the water, gorgeous and white as they were fishing for breakfast beneath the rising sun. I insisted to myself that I stop and take pictures... thats what this about right? I run because the long term personal goal is to have fun and see more, just faster.... ;).
The break also reset my knees, (for a little bit). Growing frustrated by the returning aching in my left knee but determined to continue forward I was now reaching 14 miles, my half way point, I turned around from my current position. The pain was enough that I wasn't sure what I had left and if i was brought to walking, I'd prefer to be closer to home base.
16 miles in, I was stopping every 3/4 of a mile to walk a bit and stretch my left hip... at 19 I sat in "hero's posture" on the side of the road, now only 2 miles from car, I was literally brought to my knees. I was tired, cold, and hurting... no one else care's if i run 21 or 28, I thought... who am I kidding. If i get hurt, it really doesn't matter at all does it? I rose to my feet, reminding myself that 28 miles, is 28 miles, whether you walk, run, or crawl, just keep moving forward, so i started walking, and broke into a run. At 19.85mi I chose to go straight (up hill) instead of taking the turn toward my vehicle. The relief the uphill brought my knee gave me a lift, pushing through the pain that returned as I coursed back down hill. Forgetting where these roads go, I progressed forward, turning where it seemed right. Mile 22 I was back at the stop sign where I had I agreed with my inner self that I was quitting, that my training run was not THAT essential that I should suffer through it. Now I was back to being 2 miles from my car... so I'd at least make 24miles, my minimum. Moving forward checking off telephone pole, mail box, relfector sign, pole, pole, mailbox as I slowly continued on.
Why- push forward on a "bad" run.... because God forbid your race day feels like this, you need to know how to move forward. Not to mention, aren't there always times in life we ask this question. "Why does this suck so bad right now, how can I KEEP on going, Why Should I keep on Going, Who Cares?" But we, ourselves care, and we can handle and grow from the challenges we choose to endure. And how will we ever find out what we can do, if we do not try...
Mile 24... 0.8 short of 40K.... I can make that. So I do, and then thats nearly 26.2.... I thought, and I moved onward.... 26.2 complete 3:59:11.... my slowest 26.2 yet... but thats ok with me today, I made it. The pain in my knee had long past plateaued as long as I stopped to stretch and walk a bit every mile or so. I was not on the road to injury, but I was certainly uncomfortable, but seriously---- it's not like someone said this would be easy, (who in their right mind would think the 2nd time you ever run 28 mi, it'd be a breeze in 26 degrees.... HA)
Those last two miles I thought. I thought about the ppl who are struggling this christmas, I thought about myself- my goals, my past... I thought about all the questions I am searching for answers to. And before I knew it 4:19 mins 28.00mi flashed on my watch. FINISHED. (lol, it was the longest 2miles I've felt in a while.... but I honestly don't remember anything except being determined to finish and scared to be hurt. Well actually there was a women walking her dogs- leash free- so they kept chasing me (cute though not scary) and she was singing to herself... it seemed odd, but I kind of respected her willingness to be so free.- so there was something to those last couple miles...:)).
My first Really HARD run in a Very Long time. Lessons learned, experience gained. and most importantly.... I know I will keep moving forward.... Constant Forward Progress.....
Hoping everyone Had a very Merry Christmas!! Sending Love to those who Struggled this Christmas, with family, without family, or anything that can go wrong.... I hope the memories were filled with smiles and LOVE!!
Running down stairs and toasting up some bread and smothering it with PB and honey and drinking the last bit of my morning Liter of water. I take my omeprazole (tummy protectant, also keeps me safe if i need to pop a couple ibprofen mid run). And Im out the door... i jump in my car heading to the local camp to leave my car at "home base".... I step outside and vote its too cold to loose the extra layers, and too cold to waste time rubbing on the icy hot. So I strap my camelback on and my blinker (so I dont get hit by cars) and my little mini light, so I can see where I am stepping, and I take off running. Without much more than a seconds thought I was rolling through mile 5 mark, overly warm with "hot hands" in my gloves and shoes, I stripped my second jacket off.
I decided to take a well known route: miles 1.5-5 of the Litchfield Hills Road race course, taking me up past the high school and down past the track into White's woods and looping back, now at about 8 miles I decided to explore a new trail I'd never taken. So far so good, although strangely enough as the sun began to rise the temperature dropped. Me, now damp with sweat began to get colder, and the first wall hit... less than 10 miles into my 28 miles, I calmed myself knowing I was still running 8:30 pace comfortably, I could always slow down. I would be ok, right? doubt began to rise.
The path was gorgeous, and little did I know came out a well known road in Litchfield. Suddenly without planning I had tacked a couple more miles to my loop... which was Ideal, adding in more hills and tricking myself into the thought that I felt good.
The reality of this run was when I was at 11miles, I began to question my goal... or goals... all of them. What was I thinking, my Iliotibial band was already spasming creating an irritating, though not awful, pain in my knee. I was cold, my face was so frozen that moving my jaw was difficult. Eating my Hammer "gel" was awful, it was so solidified that I could barely squeeze out the nutrition while trying not to cut my lips on the packaging. My knees overall felt frozen, moving was hard and forceful, running on my legs in the cold feels the way I'd imagine running on wooden legs (like that of pirate from old cartoons) would feel. Painful, difficult but overall annoying. Did I mention my camelback hose froze... so much for water...:/... I would stop when necessary and drink straight out of the pouch- much better than nothing.
Mile 12 was a nice break, looping around my absolutely favorite place to run, the Litchfield CT Boardwalk, the bouncy wood was a nice break for my legs, the slick ice was worrisome with water on both sides, and no other souls around... but well worth the views. Two swans in the water, gorgeous and white as they were fishing for breakfast beneath the rising sun. I insisted to myself that I stop and take pictures... thats what this about right? I run because the long term personal goal is to have fun and see more, just faster.... ;).
The break also reset my knees, (for a little bit). Growing frustrated by the returning aching in my left knee but determined to continue forward I was now reaching 14 miles, my half way point, I turned around from my current position. The pain was enough that I wasn't sure what I had left and if i was brought to walking, I'd prefer to be closer to home base.
16 miles in, I was stopping every 3/4 of a mile to walk a bit and stretch my left hip... at 19 I sat in "hero's posture" on the side of the road, now only 2 miles from car, I was literally brought to my knees. I was tired, cold, and hurting... no one else care's if i run 21 or 28, I thought... who am I kidding. If i get hurt, it really doesn't matter at all does it? I rose to my feet, reminding myself that 28 miles, is 28 miles, whether you walk, run, or crawl, just keep moving forward, so i started walking, and broke into a run. At 19.85mi I chose to go straight (up hill) instead of taking the turn toward my vehicle. The relief the uphill brought my knee gave me a lift, pushing through the pain that returned as I coursed back down hill. Forgetting where these roads go, I progressed forward, turning where it seemed right. Mile 22 I was back at the stop sign where I had I agreed with my inner self that I was quitting, that my training run was not THAT essential that I should suffer through it. Now I was back to being 2 miles from my car... so I'd at least make 24miles, my minimum. Moving forward checking off telephone pole, mail box, relfector sign, pole, pole, mailbox as I slowly continued on.
Why- push forward on a "bad" run.... because God forbid your race day feels like this, you need to know how to move forward. Not to mention, aren't there always times in life we ask this question. "Why does this suck so bad right now, how can I KEEP on going, Why Should I keep on Going, Who Cares?" But we, ourselves care, and we can handle and grow from the challenges we choose to endure. And how will we ever find out what we can do, if we do not try...
Mile 24... 0.8 short of 40K.... I can make that. So I do, and then thats nearly 26.2.... I thought, and I moved onward.... 26.2 complete 3:59:11.... my slowest 26.2 yet... but thats ok with me today, I made it. The pain in my knee had long past plateaued as long as I stopped to stretch and walk a bit every mile or so. I was not on the road to injury, but I was certainly uncomfortable, but seriously---- it's not like someone said this would be easy, (who in their right mind would think the 2nd time you ever run 28 mi, it'd be a breeze in 26 degrees.... HA)
Those last two miles I thought. I thought about the ppl who are struggling this christmas, I thought about myself- my goals, my past... I thought about all the questions I am searching for answers to. And before I knew it 4:19 mins 28.00mi flashed on my watch. FINISHED. (lol, it was the longest 2miles I've felt in a while.... but I honestly don't remember anything except being determined to finish and scared to be hurt. Well actually there was a women walking her dogs- leash free- so they kept chasing me (cute though not scary) and she was singing to herself... it seemed odd, but I kind of respected her willingness to be so free.- so there was something to those last couple miles...:)).
My first Really HARD run in a Very Long time. Lessons learned, experience gained. and most importantly.... I know I will keep moving forward.... Constant Forward Progress.....
Hoping everyone Had a very Merry Christmas!! Sending Love to those who Struggled this Christmas, with family, without family, or anything that can go wrong.... I hope the memories were filled with smiles and LOVE!!
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Why... running?
50 states (DE, MD, NY -check)... wasn't quite my plan, but to be perfectly honest I still don't really know my plan, apparently a 50 miler, all 50 states and why not a triathlon too??
I was half hearted runner until college when I met "RnR" who despite her back injury at 16, which made her simply an average runner pace wise... she was the first true runner I had ever met. She inspired me, I fell as in love with a friend as you ever could, and in turn fell in love with running. That which I loved was now a complete infatuation. Sadly, running.... is not the only thing I do in life, and since I didn't know how to manage the world outside of my sneakers... my eating disorder helped me cope with the fact that I am: Quirky, strange, sometimes annoying, socially awkward, and truly just sure who the heck I am... (like many ppl)
So between binges/ purges of all shapes and types, my body began to break... season after season a new injury here and another there. By the end of my 4 yr college plan. My mind broke too. I was NO longer ok. I was no longer the average college girl struggling with a phase, I was now playing with fire, risking stomach rupture, electrolyte imbalances, and heart arrhythmias, these things were becoming a nearer and nearer future. Treatment it was. I needed to something to STOP the addiction cycle that had now quite literally destroyed my life as I new it, with the exception of some very extraordinarily strong friends who were able to be there for me.
SO... Out of treatment I came.... I gave it time ... I wanted to know for certain before I ever ran again... Why do I run? Did I JUST want to burn calories; was I only compensating? When I could safely say No, and was sure there was another reason, I set out... within 3 min.... ITBS (iliotibial band syndrome) struck me down, inflammation immediately took me to my knees. Apparently, despite my love to run, I was no longer a runner....
Clearly my wonderous abilities to cope were still stronger than any "tools" or treatment option.. So my eating disorder came and went in cycles. It was almost 6 mo till i ran 1 mi.... I was so excited. I started up slow, and ramped up. My eating disorder was so much less a part of my life, but it still controlled my day, my food, my running. I fought with myself about my thoughts, my actions, my feelings, my body, my wants and my needs. Everything was a fight, but I was starting to win. The fight was exhausting, as was earning my graduate degree.
Well somewhere in here, I trained for the NYRR manhattan half marathon... on a depressive whim... Since I didn't know where my life was going, I was pouting one evening and decided there was nothing more I hated about myself that the "Somedays...." What about NOW... so I started to make things happen... NOW.... I ran my 1st half marathon, 2 weeks later, in 1:34:??... qualified for NYC marathon!! :). So I took the ball further... I learned to ride a motorcycle and obtained a license and my own bike. I taught myself guitar and lifeguarded for a summer (couple of bucklist things).... Well what about the trip, I'd said for so long I was going to go away on my own, So to break up my running season and my marathon training I went St. Lucia for 10days.... in 10days I changed my life. I learned more about myself in 10days that I had ever realized. I was interested... in myself.... how was I so interesting and I never noticed before? I had a personality, passions, a good heart, I had legitimate fears, likes and dislikes.
But back to running... I ran NYC injured.... I walk/ ran it with loads of NSAIDS in my system, perscription and non, mixed, ace bandages and icy hot. Finishing in 3:54:?? I completed a huge thing on my bucketlist. And at 26.2.. tears came... I was healed, not of my injury (ITBS-again), but of my past... I'd never go back. Crossing that line separated me from the breakable self and brought me forward to the invincible self, the one living with hopes, dreams and love. And if I could have trained the last 4 weeks prior to Nov 7 2010... that 26.2 wouldnt have been so bad-pain wise atleast.
2 mo later, still trying to get back to pace, and failing.... I read "Ultramarathon Man" by Dean Karnazes.... inspired ... I stopped running for 2 months.....I took a break and let myself delve into my yoga practice and bodyrock.tv workouts..... I never felt so good. I missed running desperately, but was intent on giving the routinely impacted body parts a real rest.
And when I started to run again in February, my running had changed. For one thing- I sucked... I couldnt run more than 4 miles at 6mph.... I didn't used to think that counted as a run.... barely a jog (for me personally, i dont mean to sound pretentious :/). I'd lost the light from the 26.2.... So i'd never be a marathoner.... Thank god I COULD run.... I never want to LOSE that again. I'd rather be average or worse even so long as I can be running.
So there it is: fast= broken or slow= running... So i just kept running. My heart grew and grew. My running and yoga and bodyrock workouts had transformed my mind and body into something I was truly proud of.
Next thing I knew, my running was transformed... although I was training so slowly, when confronted by competition, but remaining detached from winning, I began to race with my heart.. and I began to improve.
My distance grew, my pace leveled off. I trained at 9-10min pace and raced at 7:40 pretty solidly. Felt strange since I never really felt like I was trying much....I was legitamately confused.
So it happened, I was talked into Marathon #2- Baltimore.... it's own tale in another blog....
After this, I did My tough Mudder, and was BEAT... DONE.. taking a REST... and then a friend asked me to pace them for the last half of the philly marathon, so how could I say, NO. I was able... easily to cover 14 miles that day without a thought. I wanted the distance more than ever. I want see what I can do. I know the risks of injury, sickness. And yes, I fear it, but life isn't to be feared but loved... and when we love, we live. I LOVE to run... and I live by running.... so why limit myself to titles, races, paces, courses.... I want FREEDOM from the created boundaries.
Its funny, the safety found in a marathon of thousands of ppl with medical staff and water stops... What about a 28 mile training run.... alone, on the open road... with my cell phone, my camel back, some snacks and a head lamp..... what if i dont plan it exactly... what if?... without the support crew, there is TOO much to question....
Here goes nothing: 28 miles on 12/24/2011 in CT.... open road... HERE I come.. updates to follow.
I was half hearted runner until college when I met "RnR" who despite her back injury at 16, which made her simply an average runner pace wise... she was the first true runner I had ever met. She inspired me, I fell as in love with a friend as you ever could, and in turn fell in love with running. That which I loved was now a complete infatuation. Sadly, running.... is not the only thing I do in life, and since I didn't know how to manage the world outside of my sneakers... my eating disorder helped me cope with the fact that I am: Quirky, strange, sometimes annoying, socially awkward, and truly just sure who the heck I am... (like many ppl)
So between binges/ purges of all shapes and types, my body began to break... season after season a new injury here and another there. By the end of my 4 yr college plan. My mind broke too. I was NO longer ok. I was no longer the average college girl struggling with a phase, I was now playing with fire, risking stomach rupture, electrolyte imbalances, and heart arrhythmias, these things were becoming a nearer and nearer future. Treatment it was. I needed to something to STOP the addiction cycle that had now quite literally destroyed my life as I new it, with the exception of some very extraordinarily strong friends who were able to be there for me.
SO... Out of treatment I came.... I gave it time ... I wanted to know for certain before I ever ran again... Why do I run? Did I JUST want to burn calories; was I only compensating? When I could safely say No, and was sure there was another reason, I set out... within 3 min.... ITBS (iliotibial band syndrome) struck me down, inflammation immediately took me to my knees. Apparently, despite my love to run, I was no longer a runner....
Clearly my wonderous abilities to cope were still stronger than any "tools" or treatment option.. So my eating disorder came and went in cycles. It was almost 6 mo till i ran 1 mi.... I was so excited. I started up slow, and ramped up. My eating disorder was so much less a part of my life, but it still controlled my day, my food, my running. I fought with myself about my thoughts, my actions, my feelings, my body, my wants and my needs. Everything was a fight, but I was starting to win. The fight was exhausting, as was earning my graduate degree.
Well somewhere in here, I trained for the NYRR manhattan half marathon... on a depressive whim... Since I didn't know where my life was going, I was pouting one evening and decided there was nothing more I hated about myself that the "Somedays...." What about NOW... so I started to make things happen... NOW.... I ran my 1st half marathon, 2 weeks later, in 1:34:??... qualified for NYC marathon!! :). So I took the ball further... I learned to ride a motorcycle and obtained a license and my own bike. I taught myself guitar and lifeguarded for a summer (couple of bucklist things).... Well what about the trip, I'd said for so long I was going to go away on my own, So to break up my running season and my marathon training I went St. Lucia for 10days.... in 10days I changed my life. I learned more about myself in 10days that I had ever realized. I was interested... in myself.... how was I so interesting and I never noticed before? I had a personality, passions, a good heart, I had legitimate fears, likes and dislikes.
But back to running... I ran NYC injured.... I walk/ ran it with loads of NSAIDS in my system, perscription and non, mixed, ace bandages and icy hot. Finishing in 3:54:?? I completed a huge thing on my bucketlist. And at 26.2.. tears came... I was healed, not of my injury (ITBS-again), but of my past... I'd never go back. Crossing that line separated me from the breakable self and brought me forward to the invincible self, the one living with hopes, dreams and love. And if I could have trained the last 4 weeks prior to Nov 7 2010... that 26.2 wouldnt have been so bad-pain wise atleast.
2 mo later, still trying to get back to pace, and failing.... I read "Ultramarathon Man" by Dean Karnazes.... inspired ... I stopped running for 2 months.....I took a break and let myself delve into my yoga practice and bodyrock.tv workouts..... I never felt so good. I missed running desperately, but was intent on giving the routinely impacted body parts a real rest.
And when I started to run again in February, my running had changed. For one thing- I sucked... I couldnt run more than 4 miles at 6mph.... I didn't used to think that counted as a run.... barely a jog (for me personally, i dont mean to sound pretentious :/). I'd lost the light from the 26.2.... So i'd never be a marathoner.... Thank god I COULD run.... I never want to LOSE that again. I'd rather be average or worse even so long as I can be running.
So there it is: fast= broken or slow= running... So i just kept running. My heart grew and grew. My running and yoga and bodyrock workouts had transformed my mind and body into something I was truly proud of.
Next thing I knew, my running was transformed... although I was training so slowly, when confronted by competition, but remaining detached from winning, I began to race with my heart.. and I began to improve.
My distance grew, my pace leveled off. I trained at 9-10min pace and raced at 7:40 pretty solidly. Felt strange since I never really felt like I was trying much....I was legitamately confused.
So it happened, I was talked into Marathon #2- Baltimore.... it's own tale in another blog....
After this, I did My tough Mudder, and was BEAT... DONE.. taking a REST... and then a friend asked me to pace them for the last half of the philly marathon, so how could I say, NO. I was able... easily to cover 14 miles that day without a thought. I wanted the distance more than ever. I want see what I can do. I know the risks of injury, sickness. And yes, I fear it, but life isn't to be feared but loved... and when we love, we live. I LOVE to run... and I live by running.... so why limit myself to titles, races, paces, courses.... I want FREEDOM from the created boundaries.
Its funny, the safety found in a marathon of thousands of ppl with medical staff and water stops... What about a 28 mile training run.... alone, on the open road... with my cell phone, my camel back, some snacks and a head lamp..... what if i dont plan it exactly... what if?... without the support crew, there is TOO much to question....
Here goes nothing: 28 miles on 12/24/2011 in CT.... open road... HERE I come.. updates to follow.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Philadelphia Marathon 2011 (pacer mile 13-26.2)
What an experience, one of three races I've ever watched and not taken part in, only I did take part in this one. What a GREAT marathon. Philadelphia designed a course that sends you around the city, and then following the river. Its scenic and a moderate challenge. Also to note, the race was well planned, and very well organized. Starting in front of the Rocky Steps at the Art museum and stretching into the city streets just as the sun begins to rise into the sky.
After seeing the runner to the start line, I took off back to the car where I was suppose to sit tight and read, instead I had the map out in my lap and found the nearest 7-11 where I could grab fuel and then pinpointed the 8 mi mark and determined to meet up there and run the last 18 miles of the race. Well, honestly I never saw my runner so after running a couple miles back and forth on the course I waited around mile 13 and joined up when my runner came through. The runners, the ppl cheering, the small town feeling and the bridges, the music, it was all so ..... breathtaking.
After my last race I had lost my fire to run and had planned a couple week vacation from running to clear my head, but on this 67 degree late morning in a new city with 25000 runners I wanted to keep going forever, and now I might.
Now Im training for my first ultramarathon... 31 miles... which I will complete much sooner than planned as I hope it will go well and I can keep going for my First 50 miler this spring which will also be a fundraiser that EVERYONE I can reach out to, will here about!!! So excited, So happy!!
So grateful to have gone to philly to find my heart in the soles of my shoes once again... I will continue to follow my heart, one stride at a time... and I will Live, the fullest life I am able to.
After seeing the runner to the start line, I took off back to the car where I was suppose to sit tight and read, instead I had the map out in my lap and found the nearest 7-11 where I could grab fuel and then pinpointed the 8 mi mark and determined to meet up there and run the last 18 miles of the race. Well, honestly I never saw my runner so after running a couple miles back and forth on the course I waited around mile 13 and joined up when my runner came through. The runners, the ppl cheering, the small town feeling and the bridges, the music, it was all so ..... breathtaking.
After my last race I had lost my fire to run and had planned a couple week vacation from running to clear my head, but on this 67 degree late morning in a new city with 25000 runners I wanted to keep going forever, and now I might.
Now Im training for my first ultramarathon... 31 miles... which I will complete much sooner than planned as I hope it will go well and I can keep going for my First 50 miler this spring which will also be a fundraiser that EVERYONE I can reach out to, will here about!!! So excited, So happy!!
So grateful to have gone to philly to find my heart in the soles of my shoes once again... I will continue to follow my heart, one stride at a time... and I will Live, the fullest life I am able to.
Tri State Tough Mudder 2011
It 4am, my hair is in tiny little braids, I'm already filled with excitement and a crazy amount of fear. In 5 hours from now, I will be colder than I have ever imagined. Why was I doing this? Well once upon a time, a friend asked me to run it and I said, Hell Yes. 6 months after this agreement I came to realize I'd agreed to jump in and swim across a river in NJ in November. Now, there is only one thing that makes me a miserable unhappy wretch and thats being cold and wet, and I agreed whole heartedly to take part in 3 hours of misery. So, when it came down to it, why was I doing this? 1)I agreed to it and don't let friends down; 2)I'd pd for it and its probably the most expensive race I've ever signed up for. 3) The meaning behind the run, the challenge, meeting yourself on a very real level. and 4) in remembrance of vets who have died, for those that didn't and cope with the memories and experiences, and for their families who lost time with those they love and dealt with it stoically.
So here I am redoing all 30 little braids in the hotel mirror, trying to make my plan, to keep my hair from getting entrenched in mud or stuck on barbed wire, pan out. Finally 5 am is here, breakfast time and Coffee at Denny's....I'd never expect a waitress at 5 am at the end of her overnight shift could look so unhappy, she kinda dampened my mood as my friend and I had to hide our beverage bottles.... I understand that outside things aren't generally allowed in the restaurant but 1- its Denny's<- that counts as a real restaurant?? and 2- its 5am, there no one else there and everyone staying in the adjoining hotel is running a crazy race this morning.... anyway I thought it was amusing and somewhat unnecessary.
Anyway... off to the race!! I found hot hands, and for the first time had the experience of being warm. Little pouches of warmth tucked in both gloves and each shoe, 4 pairs of pants and 3 shirts..... I was READY to WAIT.. seeing as it was about 6:30 and we started at 9...
I finally met my teammates... fun fun! I wish I could say that made it exciting, but I always get nervous around new ppl, and all 4 guys I ran with are much younger than myself... just enough so that I felt a little out of place... but that was fine... my mind was set on creating a blissful bubble of warm excitement as I rambled on and on about how warm the sun was and how Awesome it was going to be to. Then we headed inside... orange hair and face paint- um... YES PLEASE... I also got interviewed by someone with a camera... wow did I feel like a dork... they asked why I'd run something like this... how do you say to a public interface "I'm recovered from my eating disorder and I have transformed my life and I think Anyone who wants to can do it to and for that reason I push myself because I never want to limit myself to any identity again- I am limitless... we ARE ALL DIVINE beings, who are inherently good..... and for this reason, I push myself forward- whatever the cost, whatever the struggle..." (wish I'd said that.. instead I kinda tripped over myself as bringing up my eating disorder THAT publicly filled me with some fear of judgement and embarrassment.
So thank goodness, we made it to the start.... me in a tank top, sprinting out of the start with my team... we all agree we should slow down, but none of us do. In no time we are rolling and climbing through the web of ropes, the first obstacle, quickly upon is a generator powered ice cold jacuzzi with green water... we jump, I had a split second hesitation that I quickly conquered until the shock of the cold hit... you look forward "OUT" is your only instinct, and theres a Giant plank of wood with a red arrow pointing down into the frozen green abyss... my conscious mind searching for any other option and also quickly realizing, there was only one, stop thinking and just GO... under water , up and in one stride throwing myself out of the pool of ice water. WOW, the air feels warm... I'm numb everywhere... this is amazing, kind of awful but mostly amazing! Running, very fast we soon come upon the river passage... 50y.. nothing much I thought as I ran right on in, after all its not as cold as the green jacuzzi. Kicking, and swimming for about 30 yards before I realize Im gasping, my legs are sinking and the weight of my arms has grown tremendously.. I reach for the ground and find nothing, I quickly extend an arm for the rope to pull myself since swimming quickly became sinking... waiting in the water for one of four 15foot rope ladders to open, I can't wait... climbing I can do, I can do this.... half way up, my muscles won't move, well not very fast and not with conscious command, at the top a straight edge if not for the 2 other runners at the top pulling me up, Id have fallen the 15ft back into the water, like I watched my fellow teammate do just a minute later. By now it hurt everywhere, I'm frozen to my core, the wind is gusting... "Let's run!" I yell as we gather up one another and head out on the path.... less than a quarter mile, not nearly enough to conjure any body heat.. we are at the planks... 15ft drop back into the river to make it the 50yrds back across.
I had prepared myself for this for days, I was just going to jump, and then I stood up there looking down like a scared pup at the top of the stairs trying to manage the fear of what feels like death is approaching despite the minimal effect of the jump and swim in reality. My entire team has jumped and I'm still staggering around the edge trying to dream up a way not to get colder.... and finally i just step off.
When I hit the water I sink, about 5 ft deeper than I thought, I never found the ground and started grasping at water kicking my way to air as if it would be more comfortable to find oxygen. If only this were the case, upon inhaling, I rasped and my lungs failed to expand more than half of a liter. Realizing my inability breath or move much I reached for the rope again and decided to just keep pulling, I'd get there one or another... Meanwhile I was gasping for air, and between breaths I'd sink enough as my hands reached over one another that I'd swallow some muddy water and begin to gasp for my next breath. I just kept swallowing the air and the water, my lungs began to burn. The ground came and I was out, my first instinct was to sit down and cry. But my teammates were there, just as cold, grabbing me up from the embankment and cheering me on. We begin to run again, my hands are frozen clenched shut, I can't move, and I still havent managed a full breath between convulsive shivers, but I'm still running, sprinting really, always looking back at my team in hopes that if we sprint the whole thing, it will be over faster. No such luck.
Next we hit mud mile (a quarter mile of uneven ice cold mud water terrain), I ran the side line, I just didn't have it in me, if not for my team and my sick need to prove that I can handle a ridiculous amount, I d have dropped out. All I could think of us was my sweatshirt that a friend was holding. Waiting for my teammates who ALL did not skip the obstacle, I started doing push ups in hopes of making my heart pump just a little more strongly to create just a bit more warmth for my chest and arms. What seemed like 20 min, my teammates made it across, I was still convulsing, but breathing, and my hands were pliable again. We ran... a 12 ft wall- with some team effort we are over it in no time. running on and on, we run through some sprinklers over a dirt bike course terrain and head onto the race track area of Raceway park. I can now not only smell the fire but I can see it, I'm so excited to feel warmth.
About 10 am now, Im running through tires, the generic obstacle, which was less of struggle than I even perceived- guess I am kind of agile, haha. Then we run with a tire... heavy enough to actually create a little body heat. Happiness breaks through my misery in full force... I am so ready, we're already to Mile 5 of 12... as far as I'm concerned, this has already been so awful, so BRING IT ON... next came the fire- I walked through as slow as I can, inhaling the black cancerous but WARM smoke for 20 seconds breaking into a run again and then crossing the balance beam type planks across the river. A teammate falls in... we are all laughing, smiling and having a blast....running once again.
An underground muddy tunnel, no light, a claustrophobic nightmare...an exciting obstacle to me. after this there was a good mile plus of more sprinklers and dirt bike terrain with another mudding tunnel, the sliding under many ft of barbed wire and crawling under that orange plastic netting used to mark off construction.... Still sprinting between obstacles and waiting after each one for my friends, my temperature was still excruciating. Drinking water at each stop was awful, ice cold water.... but it was essential to eat and drink to avoid cramping especially with the way I was burning through calories shivering.
Crawling up some warm hay mountains and running up a huge halfpipe and then through some other hurdles and a 15ft wall to get over we kept moving, together, my mind focused on the sweatshirt just beyond mile 12. The Funky monkey bars, the obstacle I'd heard about the most, the slippery bars over that icey water, I was intent on not going in, I crawled across with my hands and feet hooked around each bar, as soon as I was on the ground, I started to run....and then... Wait.... we're missing one... Where's Dave??
Sadly, here at mile 11 at the funky monkey bars, Dave earned his first DNF along with a fractured tib/fib and was ambu'ed to the nearest trauma center. We kept running, with one mile to go, and knowing Dave was in good hands we agreed to finish for him.
Just then, as we begin to circle around a pond I can see it, we have to get back in the water, Im shaking, cracking jokes about the mud in my mouth and meanwhile trying to decide if I can just skip this one too. By the time we get to the waters edge, Im in a panic, everyone is in gone and I'm on the verge of crying... A whine begins to leave my lips falling upon the ears of a true veteran who looked at me, without knowing what I was starting to say there was some sort of drive in his eyes, and seeing it made me want it just enough to get my A** back in the water... swimming, diving under once, and then twice, once again gasping and sinking, i grab the dirt on the embankment and pull myself up, never having felt so desperate. I got up and started sprinting again. One of my friends yelling, just go... finish, and finally even though it felt a little bit wrong I took off ahead of my team and headed back to the web of ropes and rolled across efficiently and sprinting toward the last obstacle, the live wires... only to see that if you're careful you dont get zapped. DONE... shirt, headband, beer... Wheres my HOODIE.... and i see it... I throw it on and wrap a blanket around, no good, still convulsing... My friend holds the blanket around me as rip everything wet off and trash the outfit and put my warmups back on....
After heading to the 1st aid tent for a camping blanket and some dry heat, me and Dave's family were off the Robertwood Johnson Hospital for the diagnosis and plan of care for Dave. As I mentioned before, it was VERY broken... even in a broken, mildly medicated state we agreed to redo the TM to rid Dave of his DNF.
It was a very long emotional day... stressful and hard in the ways I am most equipped but least prepared to deal with. It was a true growing experience, an ultimate challenge. It was the first jump into a fearless trust in self that I'd experienced in quite a while. I would never do that again, or so I proclaimed for the week following this painful experience. But now, in retrospect, it was amazing, inspiring and I can not wait to do it again, but in all honesty the carolinas or FL sound a LOT better ;p.
So here I am redoing all 30 little braids in the hotel mirror, trying to make my plan, to keep my hair from getting entrenched in mud or stuck on barbed wire, pan out. Finally 5 am is here, breakfast time and Coffee at Denny's....I'd never expect a waitress at 5 am at the end of her overnight shift could look so unhappy, she kinda dampened my mood as my friend and I had to hide our beverage bottles.... I understand that outside things aren't generally allowed in the restaurant but 1- its Denny's<- that counts as a real restaurant?? and 2- its 5am, there no one else there and everyone staying in the adjoining hotel is running a crazy race this morning.... anyway I thought it was amusing and somewhat unnecessary.
Anyway... off to the race!! I found hot hands, and for the first time had the experience of being warm. Little pouches of warmth tucked in both gloves and each shoe, 4 pairs of pants and 3 shirts..... I was READY to WAIT.. seeing as it was about 6:30 and we started at 9...
I finally met my teammates... fun fun! I wish I could say that made it exciting, but I always get nervous around new ppl, and all 4 guys I ran with are much younger than myself... just enough so that I felt a little out of place... but that was fine... my mind was set on creating a blissful bubble of warm excitement as I rambled on and on about how warm the sun was and how Awesome it was going to be to. Then we headed inside... orange hair and face paint- um... YES PLEASE... I also got interviewed by someone with a camera... wow did I feel like a dork... they asked why I'd run something like this... how do you say to a public interface "I'm recovered from my eating disorder and I have transformed my life and I think Anyone who wants to can do it to and for that reason I push myself because I never want to limit myself to any identity again- I am limitless... we ARE ALL DIVINE beings, who are inherently good..... and for this reason, I push myself forward- whatever the cost, whatever the struggle..." (wish I'd said that.. instead I kinda tripped over myself as bringing up my eating disorder THAT publicly filled me with some fear of judgement and embarrassment.
So thank goodness, we made it to the start.... me in a tank top, sprinting out of the start with my team... we all agree we should slow down, but none of us do. In no time we are rolling and climbing through the web of ropes, the first obstacle, quickly upon is a generator powered ice cold jacuzzi with green water... we jump, I had a split second hesitation that I quickly conquered until the shock of the cold hit... you look forward "OUT" is your only instinct, and theres a Giant plank of wood with a red arrow pointing down into the frozen green abyss... my conscious mind searching for any other option and also quickly realizing, there was only one, stop thinking and just GO... under water , up and in one stride throwing myself out of the pool of ice water. WOW, the air feels warm... I'm numb everywhere... this is amazing, kind of awful but mostly amazing! Running, very fast we soon come upon the river passage... 50y.. nothing much I thought as I ran right on in, after all its not as cold as the green jacuzzi. Kicking, and swimming for about 30 yards before I realize Im gasping, my legs are sinking and the weight of my arms has grown tremendously.. I reach for the ground and find nothing, I quickly extend an arm for the rope to pull myself since swimming quickly became sinking... waiting in the water for one of four 15foot rope ladders to open, I can't wait... climbing I can do, I can do this.... half way up, my muscles won't move, well not very fast and not with conscious command, at the top a straight edge if not for the 2 other runners at the top pulling me up, Id have fallen the 15ft back into the water, like I watched my fellow teammate do just a minute later. By now it hurt everywhere, I'm frozen to my core, the wind is gusting... "Let's run!" I yell as we gather up one another and head out on the path.... less than a quarter mile, not nearly enough to conjure any body heat.. we are at the planks... 15ft drop back into the river to make it the 50yrds back across.
I had prepared myself for this for days, I was just going to jump, and then I stood up there looking down like a scared pup at the top of the stairs trying to manage the fear of what feels like death is approaching despite the minimal effect of the jump and swim in reality. My entire team has jumped and I'm still staggering around the edge trying to dream up a way not to get colder.... and finally i just step off.
When I hit the water I sink, about 5 ft deeper than I thought, I never found the ground and started grasping at water kicking my way to air as if it would be more comfortable to find oxygen. If only this were the case, upon inhaling, I rasped and my lungs failed to expand more than half of a liter. Realizing my inability breath or move much I reached for the rope again and decided to just keep pulling, I'd get there one or another... Meanwhile I was gasping for air, and between breaths I'd sink enough as my hands reached over one another that I'd swallow some muddy water and begin to gasp for my next breath. I just kept swallowing the air and the water, my lungs began to burn. The ground came and I was out, my first instinct was to sit down and cry. But my teammates were there, just as cold, grabbing me up from the embankment and cheering me on. We begin to run again, my hands are frozen clenched shut, I can't move, and I still havent managed a full breath between convulsive shivers, but I'm still running, sprinting really, always looking back at my team in hopes that if we sprint the whole thing, it will be over faster. No such luck.
Next we hit mud mile (a quarter mile of uneven ice cold mud water terrain), I ran the side line, I just didn't have it in me, if not for my team and my sick need to prove that I can handle a ridiculous amount, I d have dropped out. All I could think of us was my sweatshirt that a friend was holding. Waiting for my teammates who ALL did not skip the obstacle, I started doing push ups in hopes of making my heart pump just a little more strongly to create just a bit more warmth for my chest and arms. What seemed like 20 min, my teammates made it across, I was still convulsing, but breathing, and my hands were pliable again. We ran... a 12 ft wall- with some team effort we are over it in no time. running on and on, we run through some sprinklers over a dirt bike course terrain and head onto the race track area of Raceway park. I can now not only smell the fire but I can see it, I'm so excited to feel warmth.
About 10 am now, Im running through tires, the generic obstacle, which was less of struggle than I even perceived- guess I am kind of agile, haha. Then we run with a tire... heavy enough to actually create a little body heat. Happiness breaks through my misery in full force... I am so ready, we're already to Mile 5 of 12... as far as I'm concerned, this has already been so awful, so BRING IT ON... next came the fire- I walked through as slow as I can, inhaling the black cancerous but WARM smoke for 20 seconds breaking into a run again and then crossing the balance beam type planks across the river. A teammate falls in... we are all laughing, smiling and having a blast....running once again.
An underground muddy tunnel, no light, a claustrophobic nightmare...an exciting obstacle to me. after this there was a good mile plus of more sprinklers and dirt bike terrain with another mudding tunnel, the sliding under many ft of barbed wire and crawling under that orange plastic netting used to mark off construction.... Still sprinting between obstacles and waiting after each one for my friends, my temperature was still excruciating. Drinking water at each stop was awful, ice cold water.... but it was essential to eat and drink to avoid cramping especially with the way I was burning through calories shivering.
Crawling up some warm hay mountains and running up a huge halfpipe and then through some other hurdles and a 15ft wall to get over we kept moving, together, my mind focused on the sweatshirt just beyond mile 12. The Funky monkey bars, the obstacle I'd heard about the most, the slippery bars over that icey water, I was intent on not going in, I crawled across with my hands and feet hooked around each bar, as soon as I was on the ground, I started to run....and then... Wait.... we're missing one... Where's Dave??
Sadly, here at mile 11 at the funky monkey bars, Dave earned his first DNF along with a fractured tib/fib and was ambu'ed to the nearest trauma center. We kept running, with one mile to go, and knowing Dave was in good hands we agreed to finish for him.
Just then, as we begin to circle around a pond I can see it, we have to get back in the water, Im shaking, cracking jokes about the mud in my mouth and meanwhile trying to decide if I can just skip this one too. By the time we get to the waters edge, Im in a panic, everyone is in gone and I'm on the verge of crying... A whine begins to leave my lips falling upon the ears of a true veteran who looked at me, without knowing what I was starting to say there was some sort of drive in his eyes, and seeing it made me want it just enough to get my A** back in the water... swimming, diving under once, and then twice, once again gasping and sinking, i grab the dirt on the embankment and pull myself up, never having felt so desperate. I got up and started sprinting again. One of my friends yelling, just go... finish, and finally even though it felt a little bit wrong I took off ahead of my team and headed back to the web of ropes and rolled across efficiently and sprinting toward the last obstacle, the live wires... only to see that if you're careful you dont get zapped. DONE... shirt, headband, beer... Wheres my HOODIE.... and i see it... I throw it on and wrap a blanket around, no good, still convulsing... My friend holds the blanket around me as rip everything wet off and trash the outfit and put my warmups back on....
After heading to the 1st aid tent for a camping blanket and some dry heat, me and Dave's family were off the Robertwood Johnson Hospital for the diagnosis and plan of care for Dave. As I mentioned before, it was VERY broken... even in a broken, mildly medicated state we agreed to redo the TM to rid Dave of his DNF.
It was a very long emotional day... stressful and hard in the ways I am most equipped but least prepared to deal with. It was a true growing experience, an ultimate challenge. It was the first jump into a fearless trust in self that I'd experienced in quite a while. I would never do that again, or so I proclaimed for the week following this painful experience. But now, in retrospect, it was amazing, inspiring and I can not wait to do it again, but in all honesty the carolinas or FL sound a LOT better ;p.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
POSITIVE
I don't have much time to write today but something inside of me is screaming to get let out in self-expression!!
SO... todays message, Be positive. I can list a few reasons or I can go on and on about how reinforcing the negative only strengthens their impact on your brain, neural synapses and therefore your mood, attitude and personality, relationships (should I continue- I Think NO)
But really... F*** all that. Do it, because you Can... Action is Always better than Inaction.
Live with Determination, Live with purpose...
What ever you do, do it to the best of your ability.
BREED POSITIVITY
Here I'd like to add in quotes from some very well-known texts... but again.. time is limited... so really thats all:
Just Smile because you're HERE. LIVE because you're breathing. LOVE because your heart is beating...
SO... todays message, Be positive. I can list a few reasons or I can go on and on about how reinforcing the negative only strengthens their impact on your brain, neural synapses and therefore your mood, attitude and personality, relationships (should I continue- I Think NO)
But really... F*** all that. Do it, because you Can... Action is Always better than Inaction.
Live with Determination, Live with purpose...
What ever you do, do it to the best of your ability.
BREED POSITIVITY
Here I'd like to add in quotes from some very well-known texts... but again.. time is limited... so really thats all:
Just Smile because you're HERE. LIVE because you're breathing. LOVE because your heart is beating...
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