It's been too long. My blank page below awaits my thoughts eagerly. The keyboard clicks and clacks and my mind sinks into a world of words and confusion and one by one the words line up across the screen forming sentences, thoughts, ideas and context to my reader.
Writing is an art. There are many right and wrong ways but everything is soley dependant on perspective. What a comment! What in our lives is not dependant on our perspective. I mean at the end of the day, what we see, hear, feel, taste or otherwise experience is an extraordinary complicated mess of interpretation based soley off the firing of neurons and the connections that have been previously created, some inherently and other learned through time. Picturing the human brain firing up for a sentence is amazing. If you could watch me write this peice on a PET scan you would see colors in many areas of my brain. As I picture the picture that you're now seeing. We are curious creatures. Complex and simple simultaneously.
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I end my time at Johns Hopkins Hospital today. As a goodbye to my first professional family, friends and mentors I find myself feeling torn apart and stronger than ever. I am excited to movc on, to take my career in the direction it is headed but leaving behind the comfort formed here is nostalgic.
For months I struggled, I prayed, I fought forward, wishing and hoping for this opportunity, and here it is. The time has come. In this moment, on this day, my attitude going forward must remain strong. Remain.... as if its been nearly that, haha. Often people tell me I am inspiring, or strong... and I love to hear it, but they don't see me collapsing behind every closed door.
I am strong, because I Will never give up. I do hope that that will to survive and progress is inspriring. I even hope that my humbling honesty allows people to feel safe in their own skin, to know that despite my achievements, despite the external, when I see myself, I do not feel strong, I do not feel inspiring, I do not feel like much at all. I feel like a child, searching desperately for a place of comfort.
What's wrong with that? Except that life has very few comfort zones. Life is tough, that's what makes it so damn beautiful. That is what makes getting up in the morning worth it. You get one, solitary lifetime to do anything and everything you want. The only things that block your path are your beliefs, your perspective, your thought patterns and those tiny little firing neuronal connections. You can change them.
Sometimes I don't know if people know that. You can change the patterns of how chemicals are released in your mind, you can change which memories are triggered and what parts of your life become the basic groundwork. Thats all yours, the mind is maleable. How do we know this?
We know becuase there is disease, malfuntion of the body. By seeing and studying the ways the body breaks down, we get to see how it functions. The tough part is that the human brain is imcomparable to say the human knee. Even the knee is complex, but from soft tissue, bone and nerves to the atomic level of it functions, is comprehensible. The human brain however, has so many intricacies that try as we do, the list of ways things go awry is endless, and often difficult if not impossible to explain. Through disease of the mind we have learned of chemical changes, hormonal changes, neuronal changes, pressure changes, cellular changes, etc....
So, the point is, you're in control of your own being, your own thoughts, perspectives and what you show the world. But everyone has weaknesses, if they're viewed as weaknesses, for me they are my emotions. I feel, I feel too deeply, in my opinion and I despise feeling.... the good and the bad... they both make me very aware of my being- which is an uncomfortable state. Good feelings create fear of loss, bad feelings create fear of the endless abyss of fear. Fear itself, perpetuates Fear. And so you can totally immbolize a very powerful, strong being.
When I was living a life of nothing to lose, that freedom literally freed me. The past few months, I gave up my freedom- not literally but in my own attitude and perspective. By allowing myself to view my freedom as hindered I perperuated a fear cycle that continually pulls me back into its grips. Which, for the record, is highly annoying. There are only a few things in this life that truly scare me
1) ticks
2) abandonment
3) Purposeful deceit
Other than that... haha. Ok ok so these things are very unequal... but nonetheless quite real. Ticks are evil, that is my belief and I have no interest in thinking any different, period.
Abandonment is a bullshit thing to be afraid of, since I am not afraid of being alone, I am afraid of attachment and losing the object of attachment- One of the the known human qualities. If you never suffer from attachment and / or loss then you are an "enlightened being". Also, something I have come to believe. However, this one has ties in places in my body and my mind that can literally make me ill physically and mentally. Purposeful deceit stems from the idea, and also based on attachment, attachment to expectations.
Therefore, in summation to this highly random and somewhat wandering posting, I believe that it is time to change my attitude toward human suffering and instead of allowing it to produce fear, instead let it allow me to push further onward. I mean, seriously, I have some rather large goals that are hard for me to concieve at times.... I need to get to work. I don't have time to worry about every intricate matter of who comes and goes in my life. The Door to my life is an open one, come in anytime, have some coffee, tea or even lemonade, stay awhile with me. If you go, the door remains open. No friend, no lover, no foe shall ever need to worry about finding a key.
Oh, thats sounds so friendly, so calming, but highly unrealistic. Nonetheless I do hope one day that I have transformed my own mind and patterns enough to say that I can truly love and trust people without anxiety and fear of their leaving. I mean thats why medicine is so pleasant. You have the opportunity to love every human that comes through your door, with no attachment necessary, in fact contra-indicated. A safe haven for a loving soul who fears being ripped to shreads by deceit and abdonment.
Well, I just ran out of steam, which is good, because you've likely lost track of where this is headed, I know I have... just kidding. I just wanted to do some free writing, get some ideas out. I've been letting myself down lately, on a very personal level, and I just think its about time I stand up for myself. So thats how this started and thats how it is finishing.
Running @ Seneca Greenway 50K this weekend, nothing crazy, just a gorgeous long run with some good people.
Loving My Life, for ALL that it is <3
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Mistakes Happen: Lessons of Life
The trails of our lives do not nearly pass beneath our feet with ease. Each step, each forward motion is an effort to maintain stability, an awkward combination of neurologic feedback patterns working with critical awareness of not only the ground beneath you but the air around you, the temperature, the lighting, everything is noted with precision.
Running to any runner is simply an expression of their own livelihood. It makes us feel whole, satisfied and provides a setting for calm; Something that most of us struggle to find in our daily routines. What happens when the calm becomes chaotic? As if everything that used to make sense during those "personal moments" is now simply a blur of mass confusion. You no longer feel as though you're expressing yourself, but instead you begin to feel you are dragging yourself onward.
Every day, every run the mind searches for its sense of calm, but its no longer there. You begin consciously trying to recreate the pleasures that had always come to you effortlessly. Scanning the trees or the building, the people's faces, anything that used to help make you feel one with the world around you, but alas no connection forms. Emotionally, there is nothing between you and your stride. The run has become empty.
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I haven't written in a while, most often my yearning to write is inspired by my running, but my running has , hmm....taken a vacation. It'll be back. Long Story Short: I have Overtraining syndrome. This is not something that comes on quickly, it takes months of overdoing it. I probably starting overreaching in June 2012. I ran "Running with the Devil" up in NJ and although I took a solid 4 days off, I started running before I could even comfortably walk. This wouldn't sound extreme to most of the runners I know, however I knew I felt bad, but I wanted to stick to my plan.
If there's anything I've learned, but continually struggle to practice is that as an endurance athlete you should NEVER hold yourself to your plan at the cost of your health or life enjoyment.
Not long after this race everything started to head downhill (running wise). I began noticing a shift in my life. I was no longer playful (I'm a tree climber- a really big kid, you know the one that runs and jumps over park benches for no good reason?) I was in too much constant pain and fatigue to play. I recall walking solemnly along the "Alice in Wonderland" type garden I visited with my family when I suddenly became fully aware of the fact that I was becoming "Ill."
After this realization I cut back my training hours, I stopped doing all the extra stuff I had been before. I was just running with some mild yoga for stability and flexibility. And this lasted a couple weeks, and then I decided to peak my mileage. I ran my first string of 80+ mile weeks and although I was fatigued, and always in pain, my pride felt good.
Meanwhile I was starting a relationship, which meant my sleep patterns, eating patterns, and drinking patterns were changing. There was a lot of misbalance and I struggled to keep it together. I'd have a good week, then a bad week and so forth. At the end of August I ran Cheat Mountain 50 miler and I there was a massive shift in my emotional self around mile 35. It was like everything changed within 10 miles. All of sudden I no longer knew what I was doing. I had a great race, for which I was quite proud, but something internally was going awry. With only one month until my first 100 mile run and other commitments prior to it as well as following it I decided to just keep moving, excepting the emotional glitch in my running as simply a glitch.
September, my anxiety was out of this world, I was basically on an extended taper and I wasn't handling my job, my relationship or much of anything that well anymore, but I was determined to keep it together and run the 100 miler. And So I did, and struggled 90% of the race, but I finished, and certainly not poorly either, despite my personal disappointment- which I couldn't even seem to clearly comprehend. I knew it wasn't what I could do with my mental capacity for achievement, but I had to admit that given where I was at, the race had gone just fine.
Post-Bear 100 miler, I took 7 days off to the minute. I went out for my first run, picked a new area and explored, I felt ... okay... not great but okay. I went with it and headed into Baltimore marathon the following weekend and stupidly ran the same race I had the year before, went out hard and didn't quit, shaving nearly 4 minutes off my original (2011) time. Great! except for the impact on my mind and body. It was now common to have some mild chest discomfort during my runs. They made me uncomfortable but didn't progress so I was aware, but unconcerned.
I took another 7 days off, this time not so ready to come back, but again I did, and then stumbled through Marine Corps Marathon, making the finish line with nothing left to give. All I wanted was to go home. I felt like I had let down SFHW and myself, but at least I had done what I said I would and completed the run.
I took another 7 days off, and then simply dabbled with running, I knew I needed a break. I slowly increased again prepping for Stone Mill 50 miler which I knew I would struggle through because I wasn't feeling well at all on my runs even after taking time and cutting back my training hours to nearly 5hrs per week from my original 18+hrs the year prior. Stone Mill came and again, a decent showing for the race and I even had some fun. I thought maybe this was good, maybe I was coming back.
But no. I was progressively getting slower, more fatigued, my mental capacity was failing. I was so stressed out I was now taking xanax at least once a day and beginning to pray for some sort for 'anything' that might get my life back on track.
I didn't just lose motivation, I had no passion, for anything, I was clinically depressed, and I knew it. I tried to force my way through and then eventually collapsed over and over. It became a weekly event for me to totally crumble into tears and irrational fears. I had totally lost myself or I felt like I had.
2013!! Happy New Year!! I had pushed a couple long runs....pushed hard.... I had no desire for any of it but everything you read about low motivation is to simply give yourself a day and then get back in the game. I tried, again and again and again. I wasn't in the game. Next thing I know I'm sleeping in 10+ hour stretches and/ or struggling to sleep at all. I am well aware of the symptoms of overtraining, but not sleeping is normal for me, but hypersomnia is a problem. I started to get very scared. My pace crumbled. I hadn't paid too much attention to my pace for the last couple months because I didn't want to push myself, but my once 7:40 pace long runs were now 10:40 pace and struggling sometimes reaching to 11:20 pace. I just couldn't go anymore.
The final straw came last weekend, after running a fun run, 5 mile trail loops and experiencing some serious palpitations and horribly weakened cardiovascular recovery. I decided I needed to be careful, but no necessarily stop. So I ran 10 miles the following day (after completing 31 the day before). Took a rest day then ran 12 miles on Tuesday. I was okay, sort of, I was almost unfunctional; I was THAT fatigued. I continued to become anxious and my memory was poor, I was making a lot of little mistakes throughout the day. I pushed for a 6 mile run on Wednesday which took me almost 70 minutes and I felt terrible. Once home I was nearly ready to collapse. I felt so DONE, I was almost afraid to drive to work.
I haven't run since then. Its time to Stop. Even now 3 days into rest time, my heart feels weak, the fatigue is beginning to improve but I feel washed up.
Welcome to being Over trained to the point of physiologic breakdown. BUMMER! I trusted myself to know better, but it was almost like the self-injurious part of my brain became stronger and stronger. I was determined to force myself through. I put so much pressure on myself to just make myself get better. Well, sometimes you need to just stop forcing, some things are outside of your control.
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So 24hrs after the above post was written, 4 days into recovery I was able to successfully practice yoga without my heart rate soaring from a chattarunga. Improvement, slow but surely. Having written this piece yesterday I was saddened to see how long I was truly aware of my health and continued to ignore the screaming sounds of my body and mind suffering. I literally thought I was losing my mind again, but now already, I feel so much less anxiety. A nice tired serenity has swept over me, I haven't felt so at peace with myself in a long time.
And Recovery will continue, so that I can come back smarter and stronger as soon as my body and mind are ready.
Running to any runner is simply an expression of their own livelihood. It makes us feel whole, satisfied and provides a setting for calm; Something that most of us struggle to find in our daily routines. What happens when the calm becomes chaotic? As if everything that used to make sense during those "personal moments" is now simply a blur of mass confusion. You no longer feel as though you're expressing yourself, but instead you begin to feel you are dragging yourself onward.
Every day, every run the mind searches for its sense of calm, but its no longer there. You begin consciously trying to recreate the pleasures that had always come to you effortlessly. Scanning the trees or the building, the people's faces, anything that used to help make you feel one with the world around you, but alas no connection forms. Emotionally, there is nothing between you and your stride. The run has become empty.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I haven't written in a while, most often my yearning to write is inspired by my running, but my running has , hmm....taken a vacation. It'll be back. Long Story Short: I have Overtraining syndrome. This is not something that comes on quickly, it takes months of overdoing it. I probably starting overreaching in June 2012. I ran "Running with the Devil" up in NJ and although I took a solid 4 days off, I started running before I could even comfortably walk. This wouldn't sound extreme to most of the runners I know, however I knew I felt bad, but I wanted to stick to my plan.
If there's anything I've learned, but continually struggle to practice is that as an endurance athlete you should NEVER hold yourself to your plan at the cost of your health or life enjoyment.
Not long after this race everything started to head downhill (running wise). I began noticing a shift in my life. I was no longer playful (I'm a tree climber- a really big kid, you know the one that runs and jumps over park benches for no good reason?) I was in too much constant pain and fatigue to play. I recall walking solemnly along the "Alice in Wonderland" type garden I visited with my family when I suddenly became fully aware of the fact that I was becoming "Ill."
After this realization I cut back my training hours, I stopped doing all the extra stuff I had been before. I was just running with some mild yoga for stability and flexibility. And this lasted a couple weeks, and then I decided to peak my mileage. I ran my first string of 80+ mile weeks and although I was fatigued, and always in pain, my pride felt good.
Meanwhile I was starting a relationship, which meant my sleep patterns, eating patterns, and drinking patterns were changing. There was a lot of misbalance and I struggled to keep it together. I'd have a good week, then a bad week and so forth. At the end of August I ran Cheat Mountain 50 miler and I there was a massive shift in my emotional self around mile 35. It was like everything changed within 10 miles. All of sudden I no longer knew what I was doing. I had a great race, for which I was quite proud, but something internally was going awry. With only one month until my first 100 mile run and other commitments prior to it as well as following it I decided to just keep moving, excepting the emotional glitch in my running as simply a glitch.
September, my anxiety was out of this world, I was basically on an extended taper and I wasn't handling my job, my relationship or much of anything that well anymore, but I was determined to keep it together and run the 100 miler. And So I did, and struggled 90% of the race, but I finished, and certainly not poorly either, despite my personal disappointment- which I couldn't even seem to clearly comprehend. I knew it wasn't what I could do with my mental capacity for achievement, but I had to admit that given where I was at, the race had gone just fine.
Post-Bear 100 miler, I took 7 days off to the minute. I went out for my first run, picked a new area and explored, I felt ... okay... not great but okay. I went with it and headed into Baltimore marathon the following weekend and stupidly ran the same race I had the year before, went out hard and didn't quit, shaving nearly 4 minutes off my original (2011) time. Great! except for the impact on my mind and body. It was now common to have some mild chest discomfort during my runs. They made me uncomfortable but didn't progress so I was aware, but unconcerned.
I took another 7 days off, this time not so ready to come back, but again I did, and then stumbled through Marine Corps Marathon, making the finish line with nothing left to give. All I wanted was to go home. I felt like I had let down SFHW and myself, but at least I had done what I said I would and completed the run.
I took another 7 days off, and then simply dabbled with running, I knew I needed a break. I slowly increased again prepping for Stone Mill 50 miler which I knew I would struggle through because I wasn't feeling well at all on my runs even after taking time and cutting back my training hours to nearly 5hrs per week from my original 18+hrs the year prior. Stone Mill came and again, a decent showing for the race and I even had some fun. I thought maybe this was good, maybe I was coming back.
But no. I was progressively getting slower, more fatigued, my mental capacity was failing. I was so stressed out I was now taking xanax at least once a day and beginning to pray for some sort for 'anything' that might get my life back on track.
I didn't just lose motivation, I had no passion, for anything, I was clinically depressed, and I knew it. I tried to force my way through and then eventually collapsed over and over. It became a weekly event for me to totally crumble into tears and irrational fears. I had totally lost myself or I felt like I had.
2013!! Happy New Year!! I had pushed a couple long runs....pushed hard.... I had no desire for any of it but everything you read about low motivation is to simply give yourself a day and then get back in the game. I tried, again and again and again. I wasn't in the game. Next thing I know I'm sleeping in 10+ hour stretches and/ or struggling to sleep at all. I am well aware of the symptoms of overtraining, but not sleeping is normal for me, but hypersomnia is a problem. I started to get very scared. My pace crumbled. I hadn't paid too much attention to my pace for the last couple months because I didn't want to push myself, but my once 7:40 pace long runs were now 10:40 pace and struggling sometimes reaching to 11:20 pace. I just couldn't go anymore.
The final straw came last weekend, after running a fun run, 5 mile trail loops and experiencing some serious palpitations and horribly weakened cardiovascular recovery. I decided I needed to be careful, but no necessarily stop. So I ran 10 miles the following day (after completing 31 the day before). Took a rest day then ran 12 miles on Tuesday. I was okay, sort of, I was almost unfunctional; I was THAT fatigued. I continued to become anxious and my memory was poor, I was making a lot of little mistakes throughout the day. I pushed for a 6 mile run on Wednesday which took me almost 70 minutes and I felt terrible. Once home I was nearly ready to collapse. I felt so DONE, I was almost afraid to drive to work.
I haven't run since then. Its time to Stop. Even now 3 days into rest time, my heart feels weak, the fatigue is beginning to improve but I feel washed up.
Welcome to being Over trained to the point of physiologic breakdown. BUMMER! I trusted myself to know better, but it was almost like the self-injurious part of my brain became stronger and stronger. I was determined to force myself through. I put so much pressure on myself to just make myself get better. Well, sometimes you need to just stop forcing, some things are outside of your control.
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So 24hrs after the above post was written, 4 days into recovery I was able to successfully practice yoga without my heart rate soaring from a chattarunga. Improvement, slow but surely. Having written this piece yesterday I was saddened to see how long I was truly aware of my health and continued to ignore the screaming sounds of my body and mind suffering. I literally thought I was losing my mind again, but now already, I feel so much less anxiety. A nice tired serenity has swept over me, I haven't felt so at peace with myself in a long time.
And Recovery will continue, so that I can come back smarter and stronger as soon as my body and mind are ready.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Stone Mill 50 Miler
As time moved forward I became confident that 50 miles, although always an insanely long way to run, was now a doable task. Having finished my first 100 miler after so many months of racing and training and then even at my lowest low throughout the month of October, I was still moving- injury-free in fact. So I had no doubt that Stone Mill may not be the "best" idea for my recovery process- that's still occurring, but I would without question make it to the finish line. With the accompanying humor of how much I struggled or should I say, forcefully recovered through the month of October I was fairly certain that running 50 miles would knock be back into complete burn out... but as most runners tend to do... I had already made up mind to run. But I would be smart, I would throttle back and move cautiously, being aware of my pains and fatigue level and rest when I needed to.
Race day arrived, 3:15am wake-up call. Leaving the house with enough time to make it the starting line for 5am to check-in and giving me an hour to fuss about in the "much warmer than outside air" car with my clothing, shoes, compression, electrolyte tablets and the blanket I was so closely attached to that cold morning. It was roughly 28 degrees outside... perhaps, I honestly didn't look, but it felt like 28degrees as the gathering runners in the area creating puffs of oral percipitation as they walked/ talked/ moved about....all staying warm in their own fashion.
5:55am, standing about 30ft up the hill from the starting line with my support crew... huddling close to keep my heat (steal some of his) for as long as I could... and then it was Go time. With the words, "Don't Race" newly imprinted on my mind by the voice of my crew I headed off and quickly lost body heat. As we wrapped around the school (the first 1/2 mi or so of the race) I felt my temperature plummet, so naturally my pace increased... Come on Body Heat!!
Headed out in the wooded trail, headlamps bouncing I was struggling in the cold, my toes didn't even exist any longer... in no time I tripped not once but two spills in the first 3 miles. I felt like an idiot... I knew I was running too fast for the conditions on the ground, in the dark, with my numbed feet and cold joints, but I was already convincing myself that this was a comfortable pace. Finally the sun broke and headlamps were dropped off before heading down the road and jumping back onto the trail.
The sun didn't make much heat yet, but I had high hopes as continued along at my truly stupid 7:40 pace. I attempted to slow up and I think that I did, enough, but I was running with a couple of guys from NJ who made it quite clear I was on pace for 7hr 30min finish....at the Slowest... I laughed, I knew I couldn't hold this pace, there was truly no way that I intended to hurt as much as running at this pace would feel come mile 30+.
I was fairly exhausted by 16miles or something like that. I didn't know where I was much at all, I never asked the milage and I just zoomed through each aid station, with mind set on getting to Mile 25, the AS where Q.H. would be. I was looking forward to seeing a friendly face, and checking off half the run. As it was I had the pleasure of seeing G.T. and B.S. out cheering on the course and that also brightened the run significantly.
The temperature was climbing, although my legs were still cold enough that my joints were aching, my feet were comfortable, and my upper body, now overheating. I felt the fatigue hit my legs and I dosed with Endurolytes and in no time was back on track. I wondered, as this started to occurr before the 20mile mark, how long this pattern would last. The fact that fatigue was setting in that soon, that I was utilizing my electrolytes that quickly, I was worried. This was in fact going to hurt as much as I feared it would.....
After passing mile 25 the course takes you on part of the C&O canal, which was gorgeous, absolutely breathtaking, and I kept making myself look around and notice the colors and the smell of the leaves because the recorded message at this time between the "stop" and the "go" parts oof my mind was "Walk, this hurts! No, this is flat, DON'T do it, just keep moving, just jog, one step at a time"... after a mile of fighting my own mind I was annoyed, my concentration on the pain was growing stronger than my ability to observe, but soon enough the course took us back in the hills and trails. Anything was better than monotonous pouding.
Somewhere around here, I was very aware of the fact that I was undereating, my stomach had actually hurt quite badly when I awoke that morning and so I was fairly cautious, but I just honestly wasnt getting hungry. I did use a "GU" at some point, which I despise, and just top it off an old filling had just been repaired the day prior and the sugary goo just stung as it glued itself between my molars. The icey air as I inhaled caused that sensitive tooth sting with every breath. "Oh great" I thought, "Maybe this will distract me from the other pains." It didn't really help, but at least I was being somewhat positive. Anyway the caffeine boost and the glucose helped and again I was rolling along.
As I approached mile 35 I was well aware that this is usually about the point in the race where I collapse- mentally. My legs keep going, but everything in my head shuts down. So I spent the entirety of the morning preparing myself for this section. Luckily I took off from the mile 35 AS with a couple other runners, after eating grilled cheese for the first time during a run (liekly the last time too...just not for me). The two guys I was with were one of NJ guys who had gotten lost, and another VA runner I've seen at a couple races- this was his first 50 mile run (and he killed it by the way!)... and he just hung with me. I could tell he had so much more in his legs, but when I asked if he wanted to go with NJ he said "No, I dont have anything left, just going to hang on for the next 15 miles."
Trotting along together, I was doing well, the company helped significantly, I managed to fall twice more, as I almost always seem to when there's anyone around. Not one fall for 30 miles while I ran alone.... but oh well. He took a fall too, we laughed it off and kept going. Soon enough though I was dragging. As I went through the causes, I realized I needed more salt... and oh yea... not racing... so maybe I want a nice little walk break and moment to collect myself. So I let VA go and I stood there getting my endurolytes out and walked as I hydrated. I was so uncomfortably warm. I debated going through the struggle of getting my bottom layer off and wrapping that around my waste and leaving the jacket on, but it all seemed like a waste of effort and time. If I wasn't running, I wasn't warm enough.... if I was running, I was too warm. So I kept my outfit the same, as I prefer to be overly warm than cold, but this meant I would need to drink more and work harder to keep my heart rate and fatigue under control to conserve energy.
By 42miles I didn't care, I wanted that jacket OFF... I struggled from there to mile 48, going through phases of walking and recovering and jogging- barely keeping 10min pace or so... I was doing pretty terribly for me... but I also was fully aware of my ability level at the moment and was thrilled that the pain was still comprehensible and although literally tired, like sleepy and hot as heck, I was Almost done. So walking into mile 48 AS I tore that damn jacket off and grabbed more liquid and a boiled potato with salt and took off.
About 300yrs down the trail I realized I hadn't even thanked my support/ crew who was volunteering at the mile 48AS for the support and taking my sweaty stinky jacket, apparently I was more tired and more focused on being done than I thought, nonetheless the lack of gratitude bothered me and I planned to remedy that in about two miles. And Then Opps... one more fall... a good one too. I was experiencing "finish-line stress" <= I just made that up... but its that internal anxiety and anger that builds when you no longer want to go on, simply because you're so close to the end that you know you HAVE to (and no one likes to do anything they HAVE to do....I can't really explain it better, but I think that makes sense, somewhat. Anyway I just wanted to stop moving, without my jacket I was already getting cold, which added to the frustration, but overall my attitude was good. I was doing much better than I'd predicted.
And then there it was the hill to the finish line, a steep 100meter climb... in front of 30+ spectators....How humiliating... and to make it worse the announcer cheering for "Meghan".... which I would NEVER write on a race entry, specifically so that would never happen. But it did, and I had to suck up the fact that I was being cheered for with my full legal name as I almost literally crawled up this hill to the finish line. It wasn't So bad.
As I crossed the line 8hr 16min later I was done, and happy about it. However, my timing chip was gone, apparently it fell off during that last fall. Opps again! (someone later found it :) ).
Considering the past months this was a glorious finish, even if it wasn't my best run by far, it was a decent time and another 1st place female finish, and probably the best attitude I've had throughout a 50 miler yet... So naturally I was thrilled.
Post-race, I removed my shoe to find some awful sharp pain in my foot... My first injury... Xray showed no break, so intution says Im good to run. The pain is still present 6 miles into my runs (10days later), but its slowly improving and my mileage is climbing.
The plan for now is to maintain 50-60 mile weeks with biking, yoga, and swimming to supplement my recovery. The running miles will have to include some speed work to push my legs back into motion. But my hopes are that come February 2nd, when I land myself at Rocky Raccoon 100 miler I feel strong enough to run greater than 75% of the race... which would be a HUGE improvement from BEAR and a very different level of struggle. But my success now will only be possible if I properly train, and care for my body and my mind. Last year was intense and this year will be intense as well, I wouldnt have it any other way, but my hope is that the knowledge and experience from last year will help me to slow down more, enjoy the runs and just let my ultra-running develop on its own, I want many more years of this <3
Much Thanks and Congratulations to the other runners and to the RD for a great event! Thank you to all volunteers, especially my support! As usual, I couldn't have done with without you all.
Next race... kinda unstructured pending not feeling like crud most days running, lol.....but I'll be around ;).
Race day arrived, 3:15am wake-up call. Leaving the house with enough time to make it the starting line for 5am to check-in and giving me an hour to fuss about in the "much warmer than outside air" car with my clothing, shoes, compression, electrolyte tablets and the blanket I was so closely attached to that cold morning. It was roughly 28 degrees outside... perhaps, I honestly didn't look, but it felt like 28degrees as the gathering runners in the area creating puffs of oral percipitation as they walked/ talked/ moved about....all staying warm in their own fashion.
5:55am, standing about 30ft up the hill from the starting line with my support crew... huddling close to keep my heat (steal some of his) for as long as I could... and then it was Go time. With the words, "Don't Race" newly imprinted on my mind by the voice of my crew I headed off and quickly lost body heat. As we wrapped around the school (the first 1/2 mi or so of the race) I felt my temperature plummet, so naturally my pace increased... Come on Body Heat!!
Headed out in the wooded trail, headlamps bouncing I was struggling in the cold, my toes didn't even exist any longer... in no time I tripped not once but two spills in the first 3 miles. I felt like an idiot... I knew I was running too fast for the conditions on the ground, in the dark, with my numbed feet and cold joints, but I was already convincing myself that this was a comfortable pace. Finally the sun broke and headlamps were dropped off before heading down the road and jumping back onto the trail.
The sun didn't make much heat yet, but I had high hopes as continued along at my truly stupid 7:40 pace. I attempted to slow up and I think that I did, enough, but I was running with a couple of guys from NJ who made it quite clear I was on pace for 7hr 30min finish....at the Slowest... I laughed, I knew I couldn't hold this pace, there was truly no way that I intended to hurt as much as running at this pace would feel come mile 30+.
I was fairly exhausted by 16miles or something like that. I didn't know where I was much at all, I never asked the milage and I just zoomed through each aid station, with mind set on getting to Mile 25, the AS where Q.H. would be. I was looking forward to seeing a friendly face, and checking off half the run. As it was I had the pleasure of seeing G.T. and B.S. out cheering on the course and that also brightened the run significantly.
The temperature was climbing, although my legs were still cold enough that my joints were aching, my feet were comfortable, and my upper body, now overheating. I felt the fatigue hit my legs and I dosed with Endurolytes and in no time was back on track. I wondered, as this started to occurr before the 20mile mark, how long this pattern would last. The fact that fatigue was setting in that soon, that I was utilizing my electrolytes that quickly, I was worried. This was in fact going to hurt as much as I feared it would.....
After passing mile 25 the course takes you on part of the C&O canal, which was gorgeous, absolutely breathtaking, and I kept making myself look around and notice the colors and the smell of the leaves because the recorded message at this time between the "stop" and the "go" parts oof my mind was "Walk, this hurts! No, this is flat, DON'T do it, just keep moving, just jog, one step at a time"... after a mile of fighting my own mind I was annoyed, my concentration on the pain was growing stronger than my ability to observe, but soon enough the course took us back in the hills and trails. Anything was better than monotonous pouding.
Somewhere around here, I was very aware of the fact that I was undereating, my stomach had actually hurt quite badly when I awoke that morning and so I was fairly cautious, but I just honestly wasnt getting hungry. I did use a "GU" at some point, which I despise, and just top it off an old filling had just been repaired the day prior and the sugary goo just stung as it glued itself between my molars. The icey air as I inhaled caused that sensitive tooth sting with every breath. "Oh great" I thought, "Maybe this will distract me from the other pains." It didn't really help, but at least I was being somewhat positive. Anyway the caffeine boost and the glucose helped and again I was rolling along.
As I approached mile 35 I was well aware that this is usually about the point in the race where I collapse- mentally. My legs keep going, but everything in my head shuts down. So I spent the entirety of the morning preparing myself for this section. Luckily I took off from the mile 35 AS with a couple other runners, after eating grilled cheese for the first time during a run (liekly the last time too...just not for me). The two guys I was with were one of NJ guys who had gotten lost, and another VA runner I've seen at a couple races- this was his first 50 mile run (and he killed it by the way!)... and he just hung with me. I could tell he had so much more in his legs, but when I asked if he wanted to go with NJ he said "No, I dont have anything left, just going to hang on for the next 15 miles."
Trotting along together, I was doing well, the company helped significantly, I managed to fall twice more, as I almost always seem to when there's anyone around. Not one fall for 30 miles while I ran alone.... but oh well. He took a fall too, we laughed it off and kept going. Soon enough though I was dragging. As I went through the causes, I realized I needed more salt... and oh yea... not racing... so maybe I want a nice little walk break and moment to collect myself. So I let VA go and I stood there getting my endurolytes out and walked as I hydrated. I was so uncomfortably warm. I debated going through the struggle of getting my bottom layer off and wrapping that around my waste and leaving the jacket on, but it all seemed like a waste of effort and time. If I wasn't running, I wasn't warm enough.... if I was running, I was too warm. So I kept my outfit the same, as I prefer to be overly warm than cold, but this meant I would need to drink more and work harder to keep my heart rate and fatigue under control to conserve energy.
By 42miles I didn't care, I wanted that jacket OFF... I struggled from there to mile 48, going through phases of walking and recovering and jogging- barely keeping 10min pace or so... I was doing pretty terribly for me... but I also was fully aware of my ability level at the moment and was thrilled that the pain was still comprehensible and although literally tired, like sleepy and hot as heck, I was Almost done. So walking into mile 48 AS I tore that damn jacket off and grabbed more liquid and a boiled potato with salt and took off.
About 300yrs down the trail I realized I hadn't even thanked my support/ crew who was volunteering at the mile 48AS for the support and taking my sweaty stinky jacket, apparently I was more tired and more focused on being done than I thought, nonetheless the lack of gratitude bothered me and I planned to remedy that in about two miles. And Then Opps... one more fall... a good one too. I was experiencing "finish-line stress" <= I just made that up... but its that internal anxiety and anger that builds when you no longer want to go on, simply because you're so close to the end that you know you HAVE to (and no one likes to do anything they HAVE to do....I can't really explain it better, but I think that makes sense, somewhat. Anyway I just wanted to stop moving, without my jacket I was already getting cold, which added to the frustration, but overall my attitude was good. I was doing much better than I'd predicted.
And then there it was the hill to the finish line, a steep 100meter climb... in front of 30+ spectators....How humiliating... and to make it worse the announcer cheering for "Meghan".... which I would NEVER write on a race entry, specifically so that would never happen. But it did, and I had to suck up the fact that I was being cheered for with my full legal name as I almost literally crawled up this hill to the finish line. It wasn't So bad.
As I crossed the line 8hr 16min later I was done, and happy about it. However, my timing chip was gone, apparently it fell off during that last fall. Opps again! (someone later found it :) ).
Considering the past months this was a glorious finish, even if it wasn't my best run by far, it was a decent time and another 1st place female finish, and probably the best attitude I've had throughout a 50 miler yet... So naturally I was thrilled.
Post-race, I removed my shoe to find some awful sharp pain in my foot... My first injury... Xray showed no break, so intution says Im good to run. The pain is still present 6 miles into my runs (10days later), but its slowly improving and my mileage is climbing.
The plan for now is to maintain 50-60 mile weeks with biking, yoga, and swimming to supplement my recovery. The running miles will have to include some speed work to push my legs back into motion. But my hopes are that come February 2nd, when I land myself at Rocky Raccoon 100 miler I feel strong enough to run greater than 75% of the race... which would be a HUGE improvement from BEAR and a very different level of struggle. But my success now will only be possible if I properly train, and care for my body and my mind. Last year was intense and this year will be intense as well, I wouldnt have it any other way, but my hope is that the knowledge and experience from last year will help me to slow down more, enjoy the runs and just let my ultra-running develop on its own, I want many more years of this <3
Much Thanks and Congratulations to the other runners and to the RD for a great event! Thank you to all volunteers, especially my support! As usual, I couldn't have done with without you all.
Next race... kinda unstructured pending not feeling like crud most days running, lol.....but I'll be around ;).
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Transitions
So since The Bear it would seem I have disappeared off the map. I wish I could tell you I was recovering justifiably from my mountainous struggle out in Utah, but instead, the story is much more long winded and much more confusing. I haven't written as much as I should because I wonder where to start, but its now or never.
So, the story really begins when I moved to Baltimore and slowly regained my ability run, and my teaching certification for yoga, a new apartment, a new car, a new job and I think the point is, I basically got a fresh start here in Bmore! So then I taught some yoga, I started the job, and I never stopped running- clearly.
Running and Yoga are my equal passions, they balance out the give and take in my life on so many levels. One cannot exist without the other. This point is essential in this story because as time went on and my running mileage rose, my yoga efforts declined. It was experimental in part and my hypothesis was painfully correct. For me, not nescessarily for everyone, but for me, the two exist in my world symbiotically and one cannot survive without the other. Without yoga my running is obsessive and addictive and my joints and muscles ache continuously; Without running, well... I don't actually know, I just LOVE to run because I do.
The thing that began to create a problem, was my job. I am unhappy at my job, despite the wonderful hours, benefits and vacations I am sorely unsatisfied on a personal level. I always desire growth, efficiency and utilization of my skills. I want to expand my knowledge and use it toward good things. Vague, I know, but thats as far as I've gotten in the lucid "what I Want in my life" department.
So here we are months later, a year and half since my move, one year into my career. And in the last 12 months:
-I have run 7 marathons; 3 x 50Ks; 1x100K; 1 x 12hr; 1 x 100mi races and set 2 Female course records, with a few fantastic finishes;
-I have taught yoga classes and quit teaching yoga classes;
-I have worked side by side with some of the most outstanding people I've ever met with The 6th Branch, Come Home Baltimore, Veteran Artist Project, countless other groups that have extended my knowledge in many areas and given me countless friends and contacts and last, but my no means least, running with McVet Back On My Feet team regularly;
-I got back into swimming, bought a bicycle and did one 30mile ride outside thus far...
So, what have I done for career development? That I dont know, I actually took a break from writing this entry to review for ACLS/ BLS and it was painful to see how much I've truly forgotten and also intriguing to see the weird things impinged in my memory.
Well, from here, I feel I should truly begin a book. From here.... sigh, the words don't come naturally. I want to leave this job and never ever return, that's ideal. I want to walk away from my safe career and expand in the areas of running, biomechanics, running effeciency and nutrition. I want to coach runners and volunteer more. I want to get back to teaching yoga.
All these WANTS... how could I be so greedy, was the basic emotional drama I continue to sell myself on for monthes. But its become more than clear to me, that I don't need to feel badly about anything. I'm not giving anything up, I'm just taking the time to gain more.
Anyways, you can imagine, the girl you freaks out before each race... freaking out about potentially Giving up, with my own free will, a medical career in our current economy. I was certain I was crazy, and so I made myself so. I began having regular panic attacks, scared those I loved, worried my friends and selfishly wasted endless amounts of time doing literally nothing but worrying myself sick.
Meanwhile as this progressed I ran The Bear... two weeks later I ran Baltimore MArathon and earned myself a new PR @ 3:17 and then only two more weeks later I shuffled through the finish line in support of Semper Fidelis Health and Wellness in a painful 3:39.... and decided i really needed to chill out. I ran that race on almost no sleep after having a "freak out" the night before over nothing at all to be honest, but it didn't seem to matter, I just kept digging into those Ol' Grooves of addiction and self deprivation as I cut myself down and tried to push the weight I was forcing on myself onto anyone who cared to try and help.
Anyway, I wasn't much for writing and even this is a severly shorten summation of crazy tough few months for me.
But I'm back in control, and living my life as I feel is ethically and morally proper for Just me, by no one elses rules and regulations (I mean I guess besides the legal stuff... I wouldn't mind driving faster and not stopping so much, and definetly would love to disregard all parking signs and park where there is space- just saying.....).
Anyway, chin is up, sneakers are on, yoga mat is rolled out and I am ready... or willing enough to see what happens from trial and error.
Up Next: Stone Mill 50 mile run Nov. 17th!... Goal is to finish with a good attitude (smiling) and injury free....
So, the story really begins when I moved to Baltimore and slowly regained my ability run, and my teaching certification for yoga, a new apartment, a new car, a new job and I think the point is, I basically got a fresh start here in Bmore! So then I taught some yoga, I started the job, and I never stopped running- clearly.
Running and Yoga are my equal passions, they balance out the give and take in my life on so many levels. One cannot exist without the other. This point is essential in this story because as time went on and my running mileage rose, my yoga efforts declined. It was experimental in part and my hypothesis was painfully correct. For me, not nescessarily for everyone, but for me, the two exist in my world symbiotically and one cannot survive without the other. Without yoga my running is obsessive and addictive and my joints and muscles ache continuously; Without running, well... I don't actually know, I just LOVE to run because I do.
The thing that began to create a problem, was my job. I am unhappy at my job, despite the wonderful hours, benefits and vacations I am sorely unsatisfied on a personal level. I always desire growth, efficiency and utilization of my skills. I want to expand my knowledge and use it toward good things. Vague, I know, but thats as far as I've gotten in the lucid "what I Want in my life" department.
So here we are months later, a year and half since my move, one year into my career. And in the last 12 months:
-I have run 7 marathons; 3 x 50Ks; 1x100K; 1 x 12hr; 1 x 100mi races and set 2 Female course records, with a few fantastic finishes;
-I have taught yoga classes and quit teaching yoga classes;
-I have worked side by side with some of the most outstanding people I've ever met with The 6th Branch, Come Home Baltimore, Veteran Artist Project, countless other groups that have extended my knowledge in many areas and given me countless friends and contacts and last, but my no means least, running with McVet Back On My Feet team regularly;
-I got back into swimming, bought a bicycle and did one 30mile ride outside thus far...
So, what have I done for career development? That I dont know, I actually took a break from writing this entry to review for ACLS/ BLS and it was painful to see how much I've truly forgotten and also intriguing to see the weird things impinged in my memory.
Well, from here, I feel I should truly begin a book. From here.... sigh, the words don't come naturally. I want to leave this job and never ever return, that's ideal. I want to walk away from my safe career and expand in the areas of running, biomechanics, running effeciency and nutrition. I want to coach runners and volunteer more. I want to get back to teaching yoga.
All these WANTS... how could I be so greedy, was the basic emotional drama I continue to sell myself on for monthes. But its become more than clear to me, that I don't need to feel badly about anything. I'm not giving anything up, I'm just taking the time to gain more.
Anyways, you can imagine, the girl you freaks out before each race... freaking out about potentially Giving up, with my own free will, a medical career in our current economy. I was certain I was crazy, and so I made myself so. I began having regular panic attacks, scared those I loved, worried my friends and selfishly wasted endless amounts of time doing literally nothing but worrying myself sick.
Meanwhile as this progressed I ran The Bear... two weeks later I ran Baltimore MArathon and earned myself a new PR @ 3:17 and then only two more weeks later I shuffled through the finish line in support of Semper Fidelis Health and Wellness in a painful 3:39.... and decided i really needed to chill out. I ran that race on almost no sleep after having a "freak out" the night before over nothing at all to be honest, but it didn't seem to matter, I just kept digging into those Ol' Grooves of addiction and self deprivation as I cut myself down and tried to push the weight I was forcing on myself onto anyone who cared to try and help.
Anyway, I wasn't much for writing and even this is a severly shorten summation of crazy tough few months for me.
But I'm back in control, and living my life as I feel is ethically and morally proper for Just me, by no one elses rules and regulations (I mean I guess besides the legal stuff... I wouldn't mind driving faster and not stopping so much, and definetly would love to disregard all parking signs and park where there is space- just saying.....).
Anyway, chin is up, sneakers are on, yoga mat is rolled out and I am ready... or willing enough to see what happens from trial and error.
Up Next: Stone Mill 50 mile run Nov. 17th!... Goal is to finish with a good attitude (smiling) and injury free....
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Bear 100
The time wouldn't pass any faster, 3:37am and my alarm was set for 4:30am. I wanted to get up but I knew I would be up for much longer than usual so I maintained that I should continue to lie still for as long as possible. Finally rising, I packed up my tent and what-nots that I'd brought out with me to "camp" and headed back to the car to eat my banana and peanut butter. I got myself as prepared as I could, made my last minute phone calls and then in no time at all was at the start line for my first 100 miler. I didn't even hear a "GO" but everyone started running, it was 6:00AM in Logan , Utah. The sky was still black, the temperature was around 40 and dry. The first mile was on pavement and slowly entered the first ascent, which would bring us from Gibbons Park (the Start) to mile 10.52 at Logan Peak, the first Aid Station, just nearing the peak of our first full climb at 8800' a 4000' climb from the start. The climb did seem quite endless as the miles were surely passing the steady jog turned to a steady hike, but in the darkness prior to dawn the time was of no concern to anyone. As the sun rose and the headlamps turned off we began the decline to AS #2 at 19.66 miles, Leatham Hollow. The descent was beautiful with scenery I've only found in National Geographic prior to this trip. Sadly, by now I was well aware that mentally I wasn't in this run at all. I tried my best to drown out my thoughts with the surrounding beauty but the invasive patterns of "this was a BAD idea" continued to feed into my psyche.
As I passed through the second AS meeting Collin and stuffing my pockets with caloric nourishment. I had my water bottle filled and I just wanted to keep moving, I was afraid of quitting on myself if I spent too much time in one place. Importantly, I arrived here at about 3hr 45min into the race, much too quickly! A short climb to AS#3 Richards Hollow, where I disposed of the wrappers from my last couple snacks and again replenished my pockets with goodies from my drop bag. And then climbing once again heading for Cowley Canyon at 29.98 miles. This section was the beginning of an ugly 40miles for me.
It had been mentioned that it would be hot, so even though I felt tcomfortable I was now concerned that I was wrong about myself and I would in fact dehydrate or overheat, my muscles felt fine, but suddenly there was growing twinge in my hip that seemed to stab me with pain on each downhill step. So now I was walking the uphills and limping the downhills, I didn't feel effecient and to add to the taxing thoughts about 8 runners plodded past me in this section as I realized that barely past 1/4 of the way I was already falling apart. I was losing my drive to continue. I'd decided I would just quit, I didn't want to be there, I wanted to go home, back to Baltimore, back to being a normal runner, maybe a marathon once in a while but otherwise just not chose to do such "stupid" things as fly to somewhere I know absolutely no one and attempt to cover 100 miles in the Rocy Mountains. Yes, there was something wrong with me... I was sure everyone was right.
Around this time I arrived to AS#4, where my crew was suppose to be, I needed mental support, they were nowhere. I fell into routine and drank water as the AS volunteers re-filled my bottle. I was scavenging for food at the table since I had no drop- bag here as I expected my crew. I was livid, and then to make matters worse a voice telling me I needed to more water, more water, that "Collin said you've never run this far before, what you do now will matter at mile 80" In my pleasant mood I scoffed at the helpfullness and nearly laughed, I honestly believed I wouldn't see mile 80, so what difference would it make. I procalimed out loud how mentally out of it was, and took some tylenol, the helpful man just suggested I kept running, and so I did.
The run to AS#5 Right-hand fork mile 36.92 was a stretch of the race that fed into my weaknesses. I was now getting warm, maybe everyone was right, I would overheat, I would fail. This section was nearly all downhill and my hip was now nearing immobile, or so it felt. A good number of runners ran past me at 3 times my pace. I was ready to give it all up by the time arrived to see Collin and Matt. I was annoyed, they weren't suppose to be there, I had my drop bag, they were an AS behind and I felt totally off track. Then Collin proclaimed he was running with me because I wasn't carrying enough water. The last thing I wanted was a pacer, but even worse, a mule, I wouldn't use his water, and I didn't. I knew having someone with me would only give me someone to complain too, but Collin wouldn't listen to me and insisted. I ate more than I could and drank another liter of water before leaving the AS. From AS #5 to AS #6 Temple Fork 45.15 I was livid. I hated having someone uninvited taking part in my run. I knew what I was doing, and I was busy trying to convince myself to quit, I didn't need someone telling me how I needed to be positive. To me, that was like saying, all you have to do is walk a tight rope across the Grand Canyon balancing a ball on your nose- Yea.... ridiculous. I had no intention of being positive, especially not with someone univitedly breathing down my back, even if the intent was out of caring and helpfullness, I was SO not myself. So, needless to say, I was a whiny, bitchy mess almost the whole way to Temple Fork. Where I gladly left Collin and took on the next section to mile 51.84 Tony Grove AS#7.
Well, prior to leaving Temple Fork, I tried to get some salt and was given Endurolytes which contain electrolytes, other than a large portion of salt which depending on depletion... anyway I need more salt than most people as I run Low to start with. So It wasn't the best way to start off, but in my mind, I was already going to fail, so what did it really matter.
I had a good stretch as this section was mostly an uphill climb, my hip intact enough and talked with a few other runners which boosted my mood.
By the time I reached Tony Grove my muscles felt awful, I was tired. But now I had decided I need to make atleast 100K (62miles) to make the trip worth my time. Collin and Matt were here too, which was also unplanned, they said they wouldn't be there and I had already planned my stop, but that was thrown to the wind. Instead I was force fed and gratefully accepted a long sleeve shirt. The following section was the most intense of the entire race from me, 9.6 miles of easily runnable beautiful single track trail running over hills and following the river.
I tried to raise my spirits, my hip was getting less intense, but now my stomach was aching, I was bloated, over-full and starting to have some mild kidney pain. I started to really break down, wimpering with frustration. Again many runners began to pass me. I was slowed to a walk. I was still moving but I felt defeated. Even if I would make it to mile 61.48 AS#8, there was no way I had 39 more miles left in me, not like this. I was running out of hope, the very last thing that was keeping me moving. The runners passing me tried to give me support. A pacer actually came back and told me they'd have a pacer for me at Franklin Basin 61.48, I was so elated I tried even harder to run... and then other runners from earlier passed me and I tried to go with them, but I just fell back and finally just let myself walk. My stomach started to return to normal, my kidneys were functioning again. The moon was now bright and the sun was sinking. I didn't want to turn my headlamp until I truly had too, I waited until I could no longer see the ground clearly. Just about the time the sun had sunken below the horizon and I suddenly felt the drive to move faster. I broke into a jog and found myself trotting along quite well. My stomach was cooperating and I was doing alright. And then it was Night.
Upon arrival to the AS#8, I announced that someone had a pacer for me, and within a minute thats when I met Rachel, who may very well have been my gaurdian angel. I grabbed whatever else I needed and Rachel and I headed off to take on the next two segments, 14.9 miles, together. Trodding along, I apologized for my pace unnecessarily and mentioned my goal of 4mph, so Rachel helped keep me on track. We talked about running, about my life, surprisingly to her, but even to me, I was hiking up these mountains and maintaining conversation (in hindsight these climbs were at less altitude than the earlier climb that certainly took my breath away and threw off mmy electrolytic balance.) Anyways, I was moving well, even running the last 2 miles into AS#9 Logan River 69.54. Rachel had never really paced before and accepted my guidance on what I needed. She had the tylenol and the tums, the salty chips all set and my drop bag. And again we continued onward to AS#10 Beaver Lodge.
Upon arrival to AS#10 75.82 miles, I was refreshed. the miles with Rachel had made this seem do-able. I was now confident in my pace and in my own intuitive senses about my body in terms of food, electrolytes, water, and core temperature. I was ready to continue on. I ate and changed into a warmer jacket and then stood in the doorway of the lodge waiting for Collin to finish tying his shoes so we can head out. Within 30 seconds we were out the door, and within another 60 min we were wandering aimlessly looking for the next marker. Once we found it, my pacer took off. I found myself chasing him for miles and miles on end. I wasn't setting this pace, which felt wrong, and felt like I was pushing too hard, especially since this next climb took me to 8500' which was enough to make me breathe heavy and lose the ability to eat. I was growing more and more frustrated but was determined to keep pace, I was now marching through my last marathon of the day I had no intention of whining or stopping.
Making it to mile 81.12 AS#11, I hardly recall, I know I had some chicken noodle soup and some more tums as my stomach was starting to feel a bit raw from the lactic acid and the decreased consumption as my hunger continued to wane. Luckily for me Collin had stopped trying to force feed me and everything had settled to rather pleasant section. After a quick battery change in my headlamp we took off to a rather chilly, but beautiful and runnable section of the course. A walk/ run was maintained but the cold and the pain made it hard for me to push for longer than a minute or so at a time, but I kept my pace and felt strong. And then climbed a short steep climb and steep descent to AS#12 mile 85.25. Matt was waiting for us there.
Again I had some soup and some egg noodles. I remember looking at all the sweets they had and wishing I craved them even a little. I dont remember much else at this AS, so I guess we moved on pretty quickly. I know I desperately wanted to get the final long climb out of the way as it would peak higher than 8800' and I knew between the fact that it was the middle of the night, I wasn't eating quite enough, and I had alread run 85 miles, this climb was going to be hard on me. But we climbed and climbed, somewhere arounf 8300' I began to feel my chest tighening, my heart ached once in a while, my throat was sore and I was now having small coughing fits. I was certainly not acclimating within the time period of this run, not that I expected to, but it would have been nice, right? Anyway despite my growing amounts of whining I kept moving. Around mile 90 I hit a break point. Around this time as well Collin alerted me to the fact that he had decided to bail on the last section of the race. I would be without a pacer for the final 7+ miles. I was again personally annoyed, but also understanding of his injury, although I couldnt see how all the running we werent doing could have hurt him, we literally ran 1-2 miles of the last 15 miles, but an injury is an injury and it was my race... pacer or not, of course now, I would finish.
A staggering step brought me down and I decided to let it take me all the way down, I sat down, Collin turned around and said, "Come on, you've got this" and instead of accepting it as support, it was the final straw in that moment, I needed a moment, back to MY race... and so I responded with some rather unkind words that expressed my need to quit for minute and take in some calories... so I did that. And then I got back up and kept going.
Upon arriving at AS#13 mile 92.2 Ranger Dip, I was frozen, and anxious to head off for the final stretch. Taking in a little more broth I grabbed some Hot Hands which Matt helped me get open. And I was off. I hadnt really realized I had one more climb, but I did, less than a mile, very steep to the peak of the race 9040'. And this hill was like a line of walls with plateaus between them. Staggering 40 ft to the top and then walking a few steps, and doing it again, losing moments upon moments for 10 seond breaks just to let your heart keep up. And then finally it was over... almost completely all downhill from here.
And down it went. I ran a lot, but found my footing wasn't great and backed down to a strong controlled power walk. Despite my efforts to keep control, gravity often brought me back into a run. I fell once, then twice, then a third time in the same 2 miles of dusty gravel. Nothing to speak of, just clouds of dust. And down and down and down, it seemed it would never end, and just when you thought it might one last small uphill, which was sort of a relief... and then down some more and then around and this long dirt road that seemed utterly endless. Finally, though the dirt ended and the pavement led you to the last and final left hand turn before crossing the street and finishing at Bear Lake.
Crossing the finish line I was slightly dilirious. I was a bit confused that so many people were around and then I remember this was not just a small fat ass race, but Bear 100, a well known, well attended ONE HUNDRED mile race... in UTAH no less.... A felt accomplished, for the first time in my running career or any of my hobbies or careers. With a time of 25:06:30, placing me 5th Female and 23rd overall, I was totally satisfied. So my attitude wasnt great, and I walked a lot of runnable ground; I learned a lot about trusting myself and about who I trust myself with. I am very lucky and very very grateful to those who made this race what it was, from the RD, the AS volunteers, Sada, Rachel, Sara (6th female who's pacers saved my race), Mike and Susan, Mark and of course my crew Matt and Collin; And a WHOLE bunch of other runners out there who were an on-going inspiration to me; And many other behind the scenes people who I wouldn't now where to begin....
So despite one hell of a struggle I fininshed this race feeling stronger than ever, and although it does seem a little off, even to me, I am already excited to begin my preparations for my next 100 mile run... but for now I am taking a rest from running .... at least until Baltimore Running Festival!!
As I passed through the second AS meeting Collin and stuffing my pockets with caloric nourishment. I had my water bottle filled and I just wanted to keep moving, I was afraid of quitting on myself if I spent too much time in one place. Importantly, I arrived here at about 3hr 45min into the race, much too quickly! A short climb to AS#3 Richards Hollow, where I disposed of the wrappers from my last couple snacks and again replenished my pockets with goodies from my drop bag. And then climbing once again heading for Cowley Canyon at 29.98 miles. This section was the beginning of an ugly 40miles for me.
It had been mentioned that it would be hot, so even though I felt tcomfortable I was now concerned that I was wrong about myself and I would in fact dehydrate or overheat, my muscles felt fine, but suddenly there was growing twinge in my hip that seemed to stab me with pain on each downhill step. So now I was walking the uphills and limping the downhills, I didn't feel effecient and to add to the taxing thoughts about 8 runners plodded past me in this section as I realized that barely past 1/4 of the way I was already falling apart. I was losing my drive to continue. I'd decided I would just quit, I didn't want to be there, I wanted to go home, back to Baltimore, back to being a normal runner, maybe a marathon once in a while but otherwise just not chose to do such "stupid" things as fly to somewhere I know absolutely no one and attempt to cover 100 miles in the Rocy Mountains. Yes, there was something wrong with me... I was sure everyone was right.
Around this time I arrived to AS#4, where my crew was suppose to be, I needed mental support, they were nowhere. I fell into routine and drank water as the AS volunteers re-filled my bottle. I was scavenging for food at the table since I had no drop- bag here as I expected my crew. I was livid, and then to make matters worse a voice telling me I needed to more water, more water, that "Collin said you've never run this far before, what you do now will matter at mile 80" In my pleasant mood I scoffed at the helpfullness and nearly laughed, I honestly believed I wouldn't see mile 80, so what difference would it make. I procalimed out loud how mentally out of it was, and took some tylenol, the helpful man just suggested I kept running, and so I did.
The run to AS#5 Right-hand fork mile 36.92 was a stretch of the race that fed into my weaknesses. I was now getting warm, maybe everyone was right, I would overheat, I would fail. This section was nearly all downhill and my hip was now nearing immobile, or so it felt. A good number of runners ran past me at 3 times my pace. I was ready to give it all up by the time arrived to see Collin and Matt. I was annoyed, they weren't suppose to be there, I had my drop bag, they were an AS behind and I felt totally off track. Then Collin proclaimed he was running with me because I wasn't carrying enough water. The last thing I wanted was a pacer, but even worse, a mule, I wouldn't use his water, and I didn't. I knew having someone with me would only give me someone to complain too, but Collin wouldn't listen to me and insisted. I ate more than I could and drank another liter of water before leaving the AS. From AS #5 to AS #6 Temple Fork 45.15 I was livid. I hated having someone uninvited taking part in my run. I knew what I was doing, and I was busy trying to convince myself to quit, I didn't need someone telling me how I needed to be positive. To me, that was like saying, all you have to do is walk a tight rope across the Grand Canyon balancing a ball on your nose- Yea.... ridiculous. I had no intention of being positive, especially not with someone univitedly breathing down my back, even if the intent was out of caring and helpfullness, I was SO not myself. So, needless to say, I was a whiny, bitchy mess almost the whole way to Temple Fork. Where I gladly left Collin and took on the next section to mile 51.84 Tony Grove AS#7.
Well, prior to leaving Temple Fork, I tried to get some salt and was given Endurolytes which contain electrolytes, other than a large portion of salt which depending on depletion... anyway I need more salt than most people as I run Low to start with. So It wasn't the best way to start off, but in my mind, I was already going to fail, so what did it really matter.
I had a good stretch as this section was mostly an uphill climb, my hip intact enough and talked with a few other runners which boosted my mood.
By the time I reached Tony Grove my muscles felt awful, I was tired. But now I had decided I need to make atleast 100K (62miles) to make the trip worth my time. Collin and Matt were here too, which was also unplanned, they said they wouldn't be there and I had already planned my stop, but that was thrown to the wind. Instead I was force fed and gratefully accepted a long sleeve shirt. The following section was the most intense of the entire race from me, 9.6 miles of easily runnable beautiful single track trail running over hills and following the river.
I tried to raise my spirits, my hip was getting less intense, but now my stomach was aching, I was bloated, over-full and starting to have some mild kidney pain. I started to really break down, wimpering with frustration. Again many runners began to pass me. I was slowed to a walk. I was still moving but I felt defeated. Even if I would make it to mile 61.48 AS#8, there was no way I had 39 more miles left in me, not like this. I was running out of hope, the very last thing that was keeping me moving. The runners passing me tried to give me support. A pacer actually came back and told me they'd have a pacer for me at Franklin Basin 61.48, I was so elated I tried even harder to run... and then other runners from earlier passed me and I tried to go with them, but I just fell back and finally just let myself walk. My stomach started to return to normal, my kidneys were functioning again. The moon was now bright and the sun was sinking. I didn't want to turn my headlamp until I truly had too, I waited until I could no longer see the ground clearly. Just about the time the sun had sunken below the horizon and I suddenly felt the drive to move faster. I broke into a jog and found myself trotting along quite well. My stomach was cooperating and I was doing alright. And then it was Night.
Upon arrival to the AS#8, I announced that someone had a pacer for me, and within a minute thats when I met Rachel, who may very well have been my gaurdian angel. I grabbed whatever else I needed and Rachel and I headed off to take on the next two segments, 14.9 miles, together. Trodding along, I apologized for my pace unnecessarily and mentioned my goal of 4mph, so Rachel helped keep me on track. We talked about running, about my life, surprisingly to her, but even to me, I was hiking up these mountains and maintaining conversation (in hindsight these climbs were at less altitude than the earlier climb that certainly took my breath away and threw off mmy electrolytic balance.) Anyways, I was moving well, even running the last 2 miles into AS#9 Logan River 69.54. Rachel had never really paced before and accepted my guidance on what I needed. She had the tylenol and the tums, the salty chips all set and my drop bag. And again we continued onward to AS#10 Beaver Lodge.
Upon arrival to AS#10 75.82 miles, I was refreshed. the miles with Rachel had made this seem do-able. I was now confident in my pace and in my own intuitive senses about my body in terms of food, electrolytes, water, and core temperature. I was ready to continue on. I ate and changed into a warmer jacket and then stood in the doorway of the lodge waiting for Collin to finish tying his shoes so we can head out. Within 30 seconds we were out the door, and within another 60 min we were wandering aimlessly looking for the next marker. Once we found it, my pacer took off. I found myself chasing him for miles and miles on end. I wasn't setting this pace, which felt wrong, and felt like I was pushing too hard, especially since this next climb took me to 8500' which was enough to make me breathe heavy and lose the ability to eat. I was growing more and more frustrated but was determined to keep pace, I was now marching through my last marathon of the day I had no intention of whining or stopping.
Making it to mile 81.12 AS#11, I hardly recall, I know I had some chicken noodle soup and some more tums as my stomach was starting to feel a bit raw from the lactic acid and the decreased consumption as my hunger continued to wane. Luckily for me Collin had stopped trying to force feed me and everything had settled to rather pleasant section. After a quick battery change in my headlamp we took off to a rather chilly, but beautiful and runnable section of the course. A walk/ run was maintained but the cold and the pain made it hard for me to push for longer than a minute or so at a time, but I kept my pace and felt strong. And then climbed a short steep climb and steep descent to AS#12 mile 85.25. Matt was waiting for us there.
Again I had some soup and some egg noodles. I remember looking at all the sweets they had and wishing I craved them even a little. I dont remember much else at this AS, so I guess we moved on pretty quickly. I know I desperately wanted to get the final long climb out of the way as it would peak higher than 8800' and I knew between the fact that it was the middle of the night, I wasn't eating quite enough, and I had alread run 85 miles, this climb was going to be hard on me. But we climbed and climbed, somewhere arounf 8300' I began to feel my chest tighening, my heart ached once in a while, my throat was sore and I was now having small coughing fits. I was certainly not acclimating within the time period of this run, not that I expected to, but it would have been nice, right? Anyway despite my growing amounts of whining I kept moving. Around mile 90 I hit a break point. Around this time as well Collin alerted me to the fact that he had decided to bail on the last section of the race. I would be without a pacer for the final 7+ miles. I was again personally annoyed, but also understanding of his injury, although I couldnt see how all the running we werent doing could have hurt him, we literally ran 1-2 miles of the last 15 miles, but an injury is an injury and it was my race... pacer or not, of course now, I would finish.
A staggering step brought me down and I decided to let it take me all the way down, I sat down, Collin turned around and said, "Come on, you've got this" and instead of accepting it as support, it was the final straw in that moment, I needed a moment, back to MY race... and so I responded with some rather unkind words that expressed my need to quit for minute and take in some calories... so I did that. And then I got back up and kept going.
Upon arriving at AS#13 mile 92.2 Ranger Dip, I was frozen, and anxious to head off for the final stretch. Taking in a little more broth I grabbed some Hot Hands which Matt helped me get open. And I was off. I hadnt really realized I had one more climb, but I did, less than a mile, very steep to the peak of the race 9040'. And this hill was like a line of walls with plateaus between them. Staggering 40 ft to the top and then walking a few steps, and doing it again, losing moments upon moments for 10 seond breaks just to let your heart keep up. And then finally it was over... almost completely all downhill from here.
And down it went. I ran a lot, but found my footing wasn't great and backed down to a strong controlled power walk. Despite my efforts to keep control, gravity often brought me back into a run. I fell once, then twice, then a third time in the same 2 miles of dusty gravel. Nothing to speak of, just clouds of dust. And down and down and down, it seemed it would never end, and just when you thought it might one last small uphill, which was sort of a relief... and then down some more and then around and this long dirt road that seemed utterly endless. Finally, though the dirt ended and the pavement led you to the last and final left hand turn before crossing the street and finishing at Bear Lake.
Crossing the finish line I was slightly dilirious. I was a bit confused that so many people were around and then I remember this was not just a small fat ass race, but Bear 100, a well known, well attended ONE HUNDRED mile race... in UTAH no less.... A felt accomplished, for the first time in my running career or any of my hobbies or careers. With a time of 25:06:30, placing me 5th Female and 23rd overall, I was totally satisfied. So my attitude wasnt great, and I walked a lot of runnable ground; I learned a lot about trusting myself and about who I trust myself with. I am very lucky and very very grateful to those who made this race what it was, from the RD, the AS volunteers, Sada, Rachel, Sara (6th female who's pacers saved my race), Mike and Susan, Mark and of course my crew Matt and Collin; And a WHOLE bunch of other runners out there who were an on-going inspiration to me; And many other behind the scenes people who I wouldn't now where to begin....
So despite one hell of a struggle I fininshed this race feeling stronger than ever, and although it does seem a little off, even to me, I am already excited to begin my preparations for my next 100 mile run... but for now I am taking a rest from running .... at least until Baltimore Running Festival!!
In the Mean time; Pre: 100miles
Between CMMM and Bear 100 a lot happened, even thought maybe not too much running....
My first 100 miler, the culminating endpoint to my First Ultra-marathoning season. Every run, every post, every thing I've given of myself for athletic purpose was spent with the intention of successfully completing my first 100 mile run within the year. And now I have.
As many of you know, I race a lot, more than most runners or ultra-runners, though I rarely "race" at maximal effort, utilizing these races as training runs. Nonetheless there are limits, temporarily of course. Limits can be met and pushed but with very little doubt in my mind I was overtrained for the last 2 to 3 months pre: Bear 100, give or take as my training varied from rest to training to race to rest and so on. But by the beginning of September, my drive to run, to train had begun to decrease, conveniently I was also beginning my taper so I hoped it would balance out.
The first week of September I was prepped for my first triathalon in D.C, Nations TRI.... needless to say, as there was no posting about this accomplishment, it failed, or rather it never even began. Too much stress involved in a sport that I lack so much information and skill. And as it turned out I was left to figure it out alone. The frustration and the flat tire culminated in my having a very pleasant panic attack and crying to friends on the phone as drove home from the check-in to the race feeling very defeated. I'd never failed to do well, but this was even worse, I failed to even begin. And the worst part of it all, I was more upset that I wasn't upset.
So I got past this little bump in the road but continued for whatever reason to experience a great deal of stress. Being 25 and confused about your life, your career and your entire "self" is Not so profound, Im sure nearly everyone can relate, nonetheless at given moments here and there it can seem like a massive problem. And so, I took on the beginnings of re-designing my future. Many discussions, ideas, emails all flying about my little universe. So I wasn't coping with everything as well I'd like to.
Then it was Off to Ohio for The Air Force marathon with Frank. The trip was short and pleasant. Getting my friend to his first 4hr marathon goal was wonderful, except I honestly spent a riduculous portion of the 26.2 miles in my head thinking "oh no, my feet hurt, my knees ache, I can't possibly run 100 miles" and "Wow, this course is not that exciting to me, and I really wouldnt mind if I wasn't running right now." Perhaps needless to say, this is not my normal attitude Re: running any distance.
Now I was beginnining to freak out with only 2 weeks to go I had no more time contemplate my training. It was done, it was time to really taper, cut milage and try to relax and mentally prepare.
I celebrated my 26th birthday @ work by getting my required flu shot the day prior and after work during a very delicious dinner with friends I suddenly felt quite sick, viral... a slight fever, burning eyes, heavy fatigue, headache, slight nausea and sore throat. I thought it would pass over night like most of my "colds" do but instead the migraine-like symptoms continued for the following 5 days. Between the race nearing and feeling awful I wasn't myself and feared everyone could tell.
Everyone I spoke to, said it was alright and to be expected before a race such as Bear 100, but my inability to cope with my anxiety was an embarrassment to me which of course only created more anxiety... Yes, I have a few things to work on. Anyway I think I worried a few people, drove a couple nuts, but for the most part I was comoforted by a great deal of love and support that I only hope I can return.
So I was clamer, I knew what, when and where I was going, just not HOW to run 100 miles, but that was TBD. So after a nice run with Back on my Feet and gift of some amazing muffins I was on my way to Salt Lake City Utah where I would meet Collin and finish my preparation for Bear 100.
Upon arrival to SLC, after some time @ the University of Utah where Collin had a class he needed to attend, we drove up to Brighton Ski area and went for short 4-5mi jog/ hike to let me see how 10,000' felt. And it felt like death. My lungs burning, my heart throbbing, my throat sore from sucking wind , but my legs still moving steadily @ just about 4mph. It was do-able... and my race only peaked at 9, 040' so nothing to worry about right? Except maybe that I could notice the struggling effort begin somewhere around 8,200'. Well, I could only do my best, and the only goal was to finish.
Thursday before the race, we attended the race meeting, check-in and I ate a bagel with peanut butter and an apple for dinner ( A LOT of peanut butter ;) ). And then we proceeded to set up camp and after final preparations for myself, and my crew, I was in bed by 8pm.
My first 100 miler, the culminating endpoint to my First Ultra-marathoning season. Every run, every post, every thing I've given of myself for athletic purpose was spent with the intention of successfully completing my first 100 mile run within the year. And now I have.
As many of you know, I race a lot, more than most runners or ultra-runners, though I rarely "race" at maximal effort, utilizing these races as training runs. Nonetheless there are limits, temporarily of course. Limits can be met and pushed but with very little doubt in my mind I was overtrained for the last 2 to 3 months pre: Bear 100, give or take as my training varied from rest to training to race to rest and so on. But by the beginning of September, my drive to run, to train had begun to decrease, conveniently I was also beginning my taper so I hoped it would balance out.
The first week of September I was prepped for my first triathalon in D.C, Nations TRI.... needless to say, as there was no posting about this accomplishment, it failed, or rather it never even began. Too much stress involved in a sport that I lack so much information and skill. And as it turned out I was left to figure it out alone. The frustration and the flat tire culminated in my having a very pleasant panic attack and crying to friends on the phone as drove home from the check-in to the race feeling very defeated. I'd never failed to do well, but this was even worse, I failed to even begin. And the worst part of it all, I was more upset that I wasn't upset.
So I got past this little bump in the road but continued for whatever reason to experience a great deal of stress. Being 25 and confused about your life, your career and your entire "self" is Not so profound, Im sure nearly everyone can relate, nonetheless at given moments here and there it can seem like a massive problem. And so, I took on the beginnings of re-designing my future. Many discussions, ideas, emails all flying about my little universe. So I wasn't coping with everything as well I'd like to.
Then it was Off to Ohio for The Air Force marathon with Frank. The trip was short and pleasant. Getting my friend to his first 4hr marathon goal was wonderful, except I honestly spent a riduculous portion of the 26.2 miles in my head thinking "oh no, my feet hurt, my knees ache, I can't possibly run 100 miles" and "Wow, this course is not that exciting to me, and I really wouldnt mind if I wasn't running right now." Perhaps needless to say, this is not my normal attitude Re: running any distance.
Now I was beginnining to freak out with only 2 weeks to go I had no more time contemplate my training. It was done, it was time to really taper, cut milage and try to relax and mentally prepare.
I celebrated my 26th birthday @ work by getting my required flu shot the day prior and after work during a very delicious dinner with friends I suddenly felt quite sick, viral... a slight fever, burning eyes, heavy fatigue, headache, slight nausea and sore throat. I thought it would pass over night like most of my "colds" do but instead the migraine-like symptoms continued for the following 5 days. Between the race nearing and feeling awful I wasn't myself and feared everyone could tell.
Everyone I spoke to, said it was alright and to be expected before a race such as Bear 100, but my inability to cope with my anxiety was an embarrassment to me which of course only created more anxiety... Yes, I have a few things to work on. Anyway I think I worried a few people, drove a couple nuts, but for the most part I was comoforted by a great deal of love and support that I only hope I can return.
So I was clamer, I knew what, when and where I was going, just not HOW to run 100 miles, but that was TBD. So after a nice run with Back on my Feet and gift of some amazing muffins I was on my way to Salt Lake City Utah where I would meet Collin and finish my preparation for Bear 100.
Upon arrival to SLC, after some time @ the University of Utah where Collin had a class he needed to attend, we drove up to Brighton Ski area and went for short 4-5mi jog/ hike to let me see how 10,000' felt. And it felt like death. My lungs burning, my heart throbbing, my throat sore from sucking wind , but my legs still moving steadily @ just about 4mph. It was do-able... and my race only peaked at 9, 040' so nothing to worry about right? Except maybe that I could notice the struggling effort begin somewhere around 8,200'. Well, I could only do my best, and the only goal was to finish.
Thursday before the race, we attended the race meeting, check-in and I ate a bagel with peanut butter and an apple for dinner ( A LOT of peanut butter ;) ). And then we proceeded to set up camp and after final preparations for myself, and my crew, I was in bed by 8pm.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Cheat Mountain Moonlight Madness 8/24/12
You might think that after the race the start point would be more clear, however starting a race at 9pm changes everything. I did not simply wake up race day or travel the day prior and run a normal race. Every aspect of this run was different.
CMMM was my 2nd official 50mile race, although I had completeed my first 100K and first 12Hr run in between, the strategy for this run was different. The course was a long steady climb from roughly 2miles in through 16miles in and then some single track trail segments that had a couple of nasty climbs but nothing killer and then looping around the mountain and heading back down the mountain with significant net loss for 16 miles on gravel road. I had actually researched the course. This is something I rarely do, I mean often skim it, I do take a peek at the elevation map, just to get a rough idea, but this time was different. Dave decided he was going to come "crew" me. I was surprised and ecstatic, not too many people would be up for supporting a crazy person on a 50 mile run through the night in the middle of west VA about 4.5 hrs from home. So needless to say, perhaps, I had to study the course to figure out where my "crew" could be. There were only 2 aid stations accesible to crew 4/6 (you go through the Aid Station twice) or 5. Your drop bag would also be allowed only at 4/6.
I was delighted to have company on the trip to the race, it relieved a great deal of the stress, I'd never been so aware of the inner discomfort as usually there is isn't so much time between waking up and running. But on this particular day I woke up at my usual 4:45ish and headed to Back on My Feet to walk 2 miles. I had a wonderful walk with awesome company. From there I headed to the grocery store for some travel and caffeine supplies... I knew quite well how much caffeine I used to use to pull all- nighters but I had certainly never attempted to run through an all-nighter. So I went overboard, which in the end was perfect. Following this errand I met Elizabeth for coffee and we both chatted about ....everything, until we both had to go. I actually had nothing to do, except freak out about my upcoming race, but you'd be surprised how much time and effort that can take. So I drove up to Timonium and walked around some stores before really taking notice of the nervous energy. I got back to my apartment and got a few last minute things done.
Before I had any more of chance to get worked up or overly excited I was surprised with a gift. The context is irrelevant to the story but it certainly took the edge off the race. I got my last few pieces together and we were on the road. I let Dave drive the last 100miles so I could have my chance to be anxious and think. It seemed like I might get cold through the night, I didn't know how my feet would hold up, I had no idea if nutritionally I was balanced...( I'd never eaten all day before a run, I mean at least not a run longer than 25 miles.) But here goes...
I did my race prep, with company, which was amusing, only a small colleciton of ppl have seen my race prep which is the same for any race 1500m- 100K... its all mental and doesnt help my running in the least, but it makes me effectively waste the last 30 min prior to race time feeling focused and alert.
Upon 4 minutes to start time the RD ran out of announcements, he became aware of an American flag and suggested the singing the of the national anthem. A confused chatter broke into song with in the minute and a group of about 90 runners and some spectators broke into song. It was the most touching start to race I've experienced. As it is with ultras and most endurance athletic events you share something with everyone else out on the course, aid station volunteers, families and runners that can't be found else where. Singing together in the dark below the Start Line was a cohesive symbol that would remain in my heart and mind. And then we were off.... and OH man... we were OFF.... like 7 min pace flying down the paved road, looking to hold onto who I could at my pace so I'd have company for this very long night ahead.
The climb begins and I catch up with a runner, Trevor, this was his first 50miler. He hadn't studied the course was not aware of the climb ahead. We chatted for a few before I fell back to my personal steady uphill pace. At first I was worried it was much too slow, but behind me I watched another runner slow to a hike and although my pace was slow, it felt effortless. 5ish miles into the course the first 6 of us pass by AS 1 thanking the volunteers but continuing without even slowing a step. From this AS onward would be a long steady climb and so we climbed. Continuing at my pace I caught up to Trevor, he aknowledged my earlier warning about the hill, we chatted a minute or two and he fell back. I continued on at my pace hoping the best for his first 50miler, that he'd make it, and have fun... at least enough fun to do another one ;). The climb seemed somewhat endless but I knew the next aid station was at mile 12.9 roughly a quarter of the way through the run, so I was looking forward to getting there. The ascent continued. I caught up to the next runner in front of me and we talked for quite a while before he admittedly wasn't feeling to well and fell back a little.
At AS2 it seemed as though they were unprepared for runners. But I didn't really mind, it was just nice to have people out on the course and willing to assist us. I had 3 fig newtons, a common race food I'd never used before, but after the climb we'd done, I thought it'd be a good idea to take in a little something. A volunteer assisted me in changing the batteries on my headlamp, which was nearly dead- something I had planned for, but didn't expect to occurr so soon. But I was off and running within 3 minutes. The trail began.
At first I found it entertaining to run the trail, I had to slow to a trot to watch my footing and path itself but I was moving nicely, and still quite effortlessly, I was happy. In no time at all I began to hit the patches of mud, sinking shoes. My sockless feet now feeling the wet grit every time I stepped and pressed into the ground. I wondered how many miles I had until blisters began to form. Then though, there were numerous stream crossings where the mud was shifted if not washed away and the grittiness was lessened until the next mud pit. I was enjoying myself. I took one hard fall, realizing as I got up the difference in my perspective in the dark. Almost everytime I trip in daylight I see and process my surroundings fast enough to respond appropriately, but in the dark..... what surroundings? My brain went from running to falling and all the time between the standing and the ground the mind is "lost." But as usual I just got back up and kept going. I was tripping a lot but I was still moving steadily, thoroughly impressed by the surroundings and mentally taking note that I should come back and run these trails in daylight.
Anyways, trotting along, falling a couple more times and then I was back on the road headed into AS3 which was lit with glowing latterns for 1/2mi leading up and upon arrival they had a wonderful selection of treats, of which I only had boiled potatos rolled around in salt, but I was grateful and made sure they knew it. Again I was in and out without much struggle. The second patch in the woods was nice, the path was great, I was still tripping but feeling strong. The mental reminder that I'd see Dave at AS4 was a constant motivator. So I rolled through, the miles starting to feel longer and longer. Somewhere in this section I heard the distinct "roar/ sound" (im not sure what the reference word is) of a mountain lion. Being practical, I was scared to death... so naturally I tried to convince myself I had heard someone's dogs.... that my mind was skewing it into something more. I knew it was getting very late but I told myself that maybe it was only 10ish and someone's dogs were still out. I also came to terms with the very real fact that if a mountain lion for whatever reason decided I did make a nice 4th meal... it really didnt matter what I did. So I came back to my reality and just kept running, sincerely hoping that if he chose to attack any runner, that it wasn't me. Selfish and awful to admit perhaps... but I kinda like my life and I guess being human and all I'm bound to be a bit selfish from time to time.
AS4, everything was a vivid blur, I need my food, and more caffeine. I didn't see Dave so I went for my drop bag, found what I needed, prepped my drink and I was off after one last glance around the fire. About 300yards up from the AS Dave was headed from my car to the fire, it was obvious to me, yet totally unconcerning that he'd had a struggle getting there. I honestly don't remember thinking much of anything, I was just thrilled to see him and told him I'd be back to AS6 (10miles later) in about 2 hours. And I was off again, 1 mile of road before headed back into the woods. This particular 4.4 mi stretch of the course seemed to eat away at me. The trail was suddenly turning into torture, my ankles ached, the arch of my right foot was spasming, the wet grit was simply annoying. By now I had tripped and taken 20 "almost falls" each of which caused a spasmodic reaction from head to toe; tearing at my right hamstring, the tendons around my knees and ankles, my core , my neck and my shoulder-which habitually I throw my right arm out for balance, mildly straining the muscles. So I went from joyful to, "ok, this is enough"... too bad it was the middle of a race ;)... AS5.
I filled my water bottle and asked how much trail was left. I got an answer but actually struggled to listen, I had 1.4 miles on the road before re-entering the woods, presumably for 5 miles... I mentally tried to prepare as I held steady on the gentle uphill road passing under my feet. Upon entering the woods I had passed a runner, and then within 1/2 of a mile two runners went flying by, they were eventually #3 and #4. I was impressed, they'd come from nowhere and were bounding down the trail, and I was beginning to flail. I started to become angry with each trip as the pain would scale from 3 to 9 and slowly back down sending your whole body into the awareness that it's "messing up".... Directing my feet with mental effort and trying to keep my eyes focused I was beginning to feel like I was on some pretty great hallucinegenic drugs. I was amused and still pleased with my running, but I was ready to..... and there was the road- already??? I felt lost but the markers continued for nearly 2miles, once again uphill, leading me back to AS6 where Dave was waiting with everything I asked for. He helped me get my shoes off as the mud had made the laces difficult to undo, and because I knew there'd be mud I had them tied them tighter than usual so I couldn't push them off. I put on compression sleeves and dry socks and my Brooks Cascadia for a little extra cushion for the 16miles of road pounding. And a couple boiled potatos later I was off and determined. I was now focused on finishing as Soon as I could. I was mentally done.
The Road went on and on, the unchanging surface and gradually increasing fatigue, boredom and pain were wearing me down. The sound track I had in my mind was now a jumble of words to different tunes that all sounded the same. I was sinking hard and fast and when I started to free fall, I saw AS7. Sooner than I'd expected, a wonderful surprise. It wasn't a cure-all. I didnt know what to eat, I wasn't hungry but there was now a 7.2 mile stretch to go to AS8, calories and lytes/ liquid were a necessity. So I restocked my fluids and had 2 fun size baby ruth bars and was back on the road... "after that 7.2 was over it was the home stretch" I kept telling myself, so I wasn't going to waste any more time.
Again, the road went on and on. There was seemingly a LOT of uphill which meant that the first many miles of the race had actually had quite a few mini descents that were hardly noticed. My mind was slipping, I tried to track the distance I'd covered, tried to lie to myself, reason with my mind. I knew I was moving well and so I tried to encourage myself, as I was in fact very proud of my current pace, but I was losing the battle. In no time it seemed, my mind was spinning with lonliness, pain, utter misery. I could remember feeling like this before on a hot desert road in Nevada months ago... only there I was walking, this time I was runnning. I tried to pull myself out of the low, but I just kept sinking. Suddenly I not only wanted to stop, I wanted to quit running ultras... thiswas stupid? I hated being alone on this dark road for this lon....In this much pain? Who gives a hoot if I'm winning, or that Im in 5th place....this Sucks! and my mind kept going around and around.... however my legs kept running one step after another. I kept fighting, reiterating over and over positive quotes, reminders that of course I would DO it, because I was already Doing it. That I have dealt with much worse in my life and that I would certainly take this suffering over another day wrapped in the the hell that was my eating disordered life, that I was grateful for my abilities and my health, how blessed I am to have the friends everywhere and Dave here to support me on these crazy adventures.
But still I became desperate, I let a loud cry which was then met with my own breath being cut short, I was all but bawling (still running)... I didn't care that I was building up lactic acid by not breathing properly, somehow letting the mental anguish be real made it something I could manage. I couldn't beat it so I just kept whining and wimpering, there wasnt anyone near me to hear... except for maybe a a few deer or a mountain lion laughing at how ridiculous I must have looked.
When I finally did come to AS8 (a million and a half years later.... or so it seemed) in my mind I wanted to ask to them to hug me and tell me everything was going to be ok. When they asked how I was, the answer came out fluid and rational, "My body is ok, my mind is emotioanlly falling apart" there was no dramatic sympathy in their eyes... the kind that feeds the sadness, just simply the aknowledgement that I had 5.7 miles left to complete 50 miles of running and finish 5th place overall and 1st female. Upon hearing this, I had one blubbering choke and my eyes filled with tears as I realized how "off" my emotions were, "I should be happy, but 5.7 miles....???" I questioned the volunteers....and a tin of homemade cookies was in front of me. I orginally said no to the cookies, but they were offered with love and encouragment something I needed more than anything at the moment.... so I took one and without question I turned and started running again within 10 staggered steps.
The final stretch: Well, there was no more wimpering, the cookie was awesome, I made it almost 3 miles of that 5.7 without finding desperation sinking in, and then I hit the pavement, I still had no idea where I was but I was getting close, I tried to run faster. Time went endlessly, running watchless in the night made it hard to determine anything, and soon worry of misdirection set in, but then there it was the "Finish" just across a large field. Someone had noticed I missed the final turn and shouted, no idea what they shouted, but since I had seen the flags- just not the turn, as soon as I heard them I quickly darted back to find the opening from road to field and headed to the finish. Where Adam, the RD met me and Congratulated me on my 1st place female finish and new course record, 8:16. I was pleased to say the least.
At this point I looked around and Dave was no where to be seen, I didn't see my car either, so I was concerned, for him and for my car. After 20 minutes or so had passed, the RD and other volunteers and the previous finishers were becoming concerned too, I now had someone's sweatshirt and a big blanket wrapped around me. I decided to walk around a bit in the dark and upon circling around the trailer, there was my car with Dave sleeping inside. I was relieved and questioned whether or not to wake him up, since he had been up practically all night running around on my behalf, but I really wanted dry clothes and a hot shower, so I knocked. The following moments were rather amusing, to say the least .... but in the end I got my hot shower, a foot and calf massage, a 45min nap, a hot coffee and a hot meal surrounded my by lots of amazing people.
This was a very well put on event. The course was well marked, 100% runnable (though I did hike up two hills in the forest), well maintained trail and great Aid Station volunteers. I am so thankful for every person who sacrificed their sleep, for those of who ran and completed the 50 miles of running and for those who dealt with the just stress over someone else running 50 miles. All are extraordinary and make the experience as special as it is. I am now 5 weeks out from first 100 miler in Utah, The Bear, and I am scared beyond belief ;). But everyone who knows me and has seen me run seems pretty confident so, I'll do my best to taper well and prep mentally and .... I guess we'll see how it goes.
A few Other events to occurr between now and then if all goes smoothly <3.
CMMM was my 2nd official 50mile race, although I had completeed my first 100K and first 12Hr run in between, the strategy for this run was different. The course was a long steady climb from roughly 2miles in through 16miles in and then some single track trail segments that had a couple of nasty climbs but nothing killer and then looping around the mountain and heading back down the mountain with significant net loss for 16 miles on gravel road. I had actually researched the course. This is something I rarely do, I mean often skim it, I do take a peek at the elevation map, just to get a rough idea, but this time was different. Dave decided he was going to come "crew" me. I was surprised and ecstatic, not too many people would be up for supporting a crazy person on a 50 mile run through the night in the middle of west VA about 4.5 hrs from home. So needless to say, perhaps, I had to study the course to figure out where my "crew" could be. There were only 2 aid stations accesible to crew 4/6 (you go through the Aid Station twice) or 5. Your drop bag would also be allowed only at 4/6.
I was delighted to have company on the trip to the race, it relieved a great deal of the stress, I'd never been so aware of the inner discomfort as usually there is isn't so much time between waking up and running. But on this particular day I woke up at my usual 4:45ish and headed to Back on My Feet to walk 2 miles. I had a wonderful walk with awesome company. From there I headed to the grocery store for some travel and caffeine supplies... I knew quite well how much caffeine I used to use to pull all- nighters but I had certainly never attempted to run through an all-nighter. So I went overboard, which in the end was perfect. Following this errand I met Elizabeth for coffee and we both chatted about ....everything, until we both had to go. I actually had nothing to do, except freak out about my upcoming race, but you'd be surprised how much time and effort that can take. So I drove up to Timonium and walked around some stores before really taking notice of the nervous energy. I got back to my apartment and got a few last minute things done.
Before I had any more of chance to get worked up or overly excited I was surprised with a gift. The context is irrelevant to the story but it certainly took the edge off the race. I got my last few pieces together and we were on the road. I let Dave drive the last 100miles so I could have my chance to be anxious and think. It seemed like I might get cold through the night, I didn't know how my feet would hold up, I had no idea if nutritionally I was balanced...( I'd never eaten all day before a run, I mean at least not a run longer than 25 miles.) But here goes...
I did my race prep, with company, which was amusing, only a small colleciton of ppl have seen my race prep which is the same for any race 1500m- 100K... its all mental and doesnt help my running in the least, but it makes me effectively waste the last 30 min prior to race time feeling focused and alert.
Upon 4 minutes to start time the RD ran out of announcements, he became aware of an American flag and suggested the singing the of the national anthem. A confused chatter broke into song with in the minute and a group of about 90 runners and some spectators broke into song. It was the most touching start to race I've experienced. As it is with ultras and most endurance athletic events you share something with everyone else out on the course, aid station volunteers, families and runners that can't be found else where. Singing together in the dark below the Start Line was a cohesive symbol that would remain in my heart and mind. And then we were off.... and OH man... we were OFF.... like 7 min pace flying down the paved road, looking to hold onto who I could at my pace so I'd have company for this very long night ahead.
The climb begins and I catch up with a runner, Trevor, this was his first 50miler. He hadn't studied the course was not aware of the climb ahead. We chatted for a few before I fell back to my personal steady uphill pace. At first I was worried it was much too slow, but behind me I watched another runner slow to a hike and although my pace was slow, it felt effortless. 5ish miles into the course the first 6 of us pass by AS 1 thanking the volunteers but continuing without even slowing a step. From this AS onward would be a long steady climb and so we climbed. Continuing at my pace I caught up to Trevor, he aknowledged my earlier warning about the hill, we chatted a minute or two and he fell back. I continued on at my pace hoping the best for his first 50miler, that he'd make it, and have fun... at least enough fun to do another one ;). The climb seemed somewhat endless but I knew the next aid station was at mile 12.9 roughly a quarter of the way through the run, so I was looking forward to getting there. The ascent continued. I caught up to the next runner in front of me and we talked for quite a while before he admittedly wasn't feeling to well and fell back a little.
At AS2 it seemed as though they were unprepared for runners. But I didn't really mind, it was just nice to have people out on the course and willing to assist us. I had 3 fig newtons, a common race food I'd never used before, but after the climb we'd done, I thought it'd be a good idea to take in a little something. A volunteer assisted me in changing the batteries on my headlamp, which was nearly dead- something I had planned for, but didn't expect to occurr so soon. But I was off and running within 3 minutes. The trail began.
At first I found it entertaining to run the trail, I had to slow to a trot to watch my footing and path itself but I was moving nicely, and still quite effortlessly, I was happy. In no time at all I began to hit the patches of mud, sinking shoes. My sockless feet now feeling the wet grit every time I stepped and pressed into the ground. I wondered how many miles I had until blisters began to form. Then though, there were numerous stream crossings where the mud was shifted if not washed away and the grittiness was lessened until the next mud pit. I was enjoying myself. I took one hard fall, realizing as I got up the difference in my perspective in the dark. Almost everytime I trip in daylight I see and process my surroundings fast enough to respond appropriately, but in the dark..... what surroundings? My brain went from running to falling and all the time between the standing and the ground the mind is "lost." But as usual I just got back up and kept going. I was tripping a lot but I was still moving steadily, thoroughly impressed by the surroundings and mentally taking note that I should come back and run these trails in daylight.
Anyways, trotting along, falling a couple more times and then I was back on the road headed into AS3 which was lit with glowing latterns for 1/2mi leading up and upon arrival they had a wonderful selection of treats, of which I only had boiled potatos rolled around in salt, but I was grateful and made sure they knew it. Again I was in and out without much struggle. The second patch in the woods was nice, the path was great, I was still tripping but feeling strong. The mental reminder that I'd see Dave at AS4 was a constant motivator. So I rolled through, the miles starting to feel longer and longer. Somewhere in this section I heard the distinct "roar/ sound" (im not sure what the reference word is) of a mountain lion. Being practical, I was scared to death... so naturally I tried to convince myself I had heard someone's dogs.... that my mind was skewing it into something more. I knew it was getting very late but I told myself that maybe it was only 10ish and someone's dogs were still out. I also came to terms with the very real fact that if a mountain lion for whatever reason decided I did make a nice 4th meal... it really didnt matter what I did. So I came back to my reality and just kept running, sincerely hoping that if he chose to attack any runner, that it wasn't me. Selfish and awful to admit perhaps... but I kinda like my life and I guess being human and all I'm bound to be a bit selfish from time to time.
AS4, everything was a vivid blur, I need my food, and more caffeine. I didn't see Dave so I went for my drop bag, found what I needed, prepped my drink and I was off after one last glance around the fire. About 300yards up from the AS Dave was headed from my car to the fire, it was obvious to me, yet totally unconcerning that he'd had a struggle getting there. I honestly don't remember thinking much of anything, I was just thrilled to see him and told him I'd be back to AS6 (10miles later) in about 2 hours. And I was off again, 1 mile of road before headed back into the woods. This particular 4.4 mi stretch of the course seemed to eat away at me. The trail was suddenly turning into torture, my ankles ached, the arch of my right foot was spasming, the wet grit was simply annoying. By now I had tripped and taken 20 "almost falls" each of which caused a spasmodic reaction from head to toe; tearing at my right hamstring, the tendons around my knees and ankles, my core , my neck and my shoulder-which habitually I throw my right arm out for balance, mildly straining the muscles. So I went from joyful to, "ok, this is enough"... too bad it was the middle of a race ;)... AS5.
I filled my water bottle and asked how much trail was left. I got an answer but actually struggled to listen, I had 1.4 miles on the road before re-entering the woods, presumably for 5 miles... I mentally tried to prepare as I held steady on the gentle uphill road passing under my feet. Upon entering the woods I had passed a runner, and then within 1/2 of a mile two runners went flying by, they were eventually #3 and #4. I was impressed, they'd come from nowhere and were bounding down the trail, and I was beginning to flail. I started to become angry with each trip as the pain would scale from 3 to 9 and slowly back down sending your whole body into the awareness that it's "messing up".... Directing my feet with mental effort and trying to keep my eyes focused I was beginning to feel like I was on some pretty great hallucinegenic drugs. I was amused and still pleased with my running, but I was ready to..... and there was the road- already??? I felt lost but the markers continued for nearly 2miles, once again uphill, leading me back to AS6 where Dave was waiting with everything I asked for. He helped me get my shoes off as the mud had made the laces difficult to undo, and because I knew there'd be mud I had them tied them tighter than usual so I couldn't push them off. I put on compression sleeves and dry socks and my Brooks Cascadia for a little extra cushion for the 16miles of road pounding. And a couple boiled potatos later I was off and determined. I was now focused on finishing as Soon as I could. I was mentally done.
The Road went on and on, the unchanging surface and gradually increasing fatigue, boredom and pain were wearing me down. The sound track I had in my mind was now a jumble of words to different tunes that all sounded the same. I was sinking hard and fast and when I started to free fall, I saw AS7. Sooner than I'd expected, a wonderful surprise. It wasn't a cure-all. I didnt know what to eat, I wasn't hungry but there was now a 7.2 mile stretch to go to AS8, calories and lytes/ liquid were a necessity. So I restocked my fluids and had 2 fun size baby ruth bars and was back on the road... "after that 7.2 was over it was the home stretch" I kept telling myself, so I wasn't going to waste any more time.
Again, the road went on and on. There was seemingly a LOT of uphill which meant that the first many miles of the race had actually had quite a few mini descents that were hardly noticed. My mind was slipping, I tried to track the distance I'd covered, tried to lie to myself, reason with my mind. I knew I was moving well and so I tried to encourage myself, as I was in fact very proud of my current pace, but I was losing the battle. In no time it seemed, my mind was spinning with lonliness, pain, utter misery. I could remember feeling like this before on a hot desert road in Nevada months ago... only there I was walking, this time I was runnning. I tried to pull myself out of the low, but I just kept sinking. Suddenly I not only wanted to stop, I wanted to quit running ultras... thiswas stupid? I hated being alone on this dark road for this lon....In this much pain? Who gives a hoot if I'm winning, or that Im in 5th place....this Sucks! and my mind kept going around and around.... however my legs kept running one step after another. I kept fighting, reiterating over and over positive quotes, reminders that of course I would DO it, because I was already Doing it. That I have dealt with much worse in my life and that I would certainly take this suffering over another day wrapped in the the hell that was my eating disordered life, that I was grateful for my abilities and my health, how blessed I am to have the friends everywhere and Dave here to support me on these crazy adventures.
But still I became desperate, I let a loud cry which was then met with my own breath being cut short, I was all but bawling (still running)... I didn't care that I was building up lactic acid by not breathing properly, somehow letting the mental anguish be real made it something I could manage. I couldn't beat it so I just kept whining and wimpering, there wasnt anyone near me to hear... except for maybe a a few deer or a mountain lion laughing at how ridiculous I must have looked.
When I finally did come to AS8 (a million and a half years later.... or so it seemed) in my mind I wanted to ask to them to hug me and tell me everything was going to be ok. When they asked how I was, the answer came out fluid and rational, "My body is ok, my mind is emotioanlly falling apart" there was no dramatic sympathy in their eyes... the kind that feeds the sadness, just simply the aknowledgement that I had 5.7 miles left to complete 50 miles of running and finish 5th place overall and 1st female. Upon hearing this, I had one blubbering choke and my eyes filled with tears as I realized how "off" my emotions were, "I should be happy, but 5.7 miles....???" I questioned the volunteers....and a tin of homemade cookies was in front of me. I orginally said no to the cookies, but they were offered with love and encouragment something I needed more than anything at the moment.... so I took one and without question I turned and started running again within 10 staggered steps.
The final stretch: Well, there was no more wimpering, the cookie was awesome, I made it almost 3 miles of that 5.7 without finding desperation sinking in, and then I hit the pavement, I still had no idea where I was but I was getting close, I tried to run faster. Time went endlessly, running watchless in the night made it hard to determine anything, and soon worry of misdirection set in, but then there it was the "Finish" just across a large field. Someone had noticed I missed the final turn and shouted, no idea what they shouted, but since I had seen the flags- just not the turn, as soon as I heard them I quickly darted back to find the opening from road to field and headed to the finish. Where Adam, the RD met me and Congratulated me on my 1st place female finish and new course record, 8:16. I was pleased to say the least.
At this point I looked around and Dave was no where to be seen, I didn't see my car either, so I was concerned, for him and for my car. After 20 minutes or so had passed, the RD and other volunteers and the previous finishers were becoming concerned too, I now had someone's sweatshirt and a big blanket wrapped around me. I decided to walk around a bit in the dark and upon circling around the trailer, there was my car with Dave sleeping inside. I was relieved and questioned whether or not to wake him up, since he had been up practically all night running around on my behalf, but I really wanted dry clothes and a hot shower, so I knocked. The following moments were rather amusing, to say the least .... but in the end I got my hot shower, a foot and calf massage, a 45min nap, a hot coffee and a hot meal surrounded my by lots of amazing people.
This was a very well put on event. The course was well marked, 100% runnable (though I did hike up two hills in the forest), well maintained trail and great Aid Station volunteers. I am so thankful for every person who sacrificed their sleep, for those of who ran and completed the 50 miles of running and for those who dealt with the just stress over someone else running 50 miles. All are extraordinary and make the experience as special as it is. I am now 5 weeks out from first 100 miler in Utah, The Bear, and I am scared beyond belief ;). But everyone who knows me and has seen me run seems pretty confident so, I'll do my best to taper well and prep mentally and .... I guess we'll see how it goes.
A few Other events to occurr between now and then if all goes smoothly <3.
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