Friday, April 6, 2012

Integrity and "being who you say you are"


adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness ofmoral character; honesty.
the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished: to preservethe integrity of the empire.
a soundunimpaired, or perfect condition: the integrity of aship's hull.

I am preparing to sleep tonight, at home, in CT, the temperature here is 10 degrees cooler atop Bartholomew Hill than it was at my apartment in Baltimore.  My life in the past two weeks has been, different than every other section of my training prior. However, different, does not mean that I have not been challenged in like ways before.
Everything was going well, I posted about my 50K PR with pride, joy and love in my heart. Since that time, I had been stripped of some self-worth- my own doing, naturally.

This is a pattern I struggle with, as a human, this is my battle, this is what makes me a warrior. It is also what cripples me. I can move from totally together, to falling apart. My intent was not let anyone take my trust, as it leaves one vulnerable to abuse and emotional loss. Something that is a PART of life we must all cope with. However,  coping- is my weakness. I knew better than to let my stability within myself be shared because I haven't yet figured out how to re-stabilize  after even the lowest grade of "earthquake."

So there it was, everything going smoothly. And The Earthquake came. No big deal I firmly decided. And logically, it wasn't. Unfortunatly logic does not rule the mind nor the emotion. And in reality, was it "no big deal"? Where was the fault? Was there fault? How can I be blamed for being who I am? Or perhaps I am wrong to have pride in who I am? That, becomes the question. Afterall, we are all faulty, all quirky, abnormal... correct?

So where's the running, my post is about running- although I never did proclaim it to be so.

Well, my running crashed with my psyche. Afterall, If I am NOT who I think I am, then What am I doing? Why am I doing it? Despite my clear intent to explore the human boundaries we mentally place on ourselves, to establish a sort of freedom  and to share this freedom, this sense of well- being with as many ppl as humanly possible.... I know my intent. I know who I am. Layer by Layer I have dissected and examined.... but did I miss something? Had I changed? Who am I Sharing with the world?

This process of re-examining my being, takes more than running an ultra- or atleast a 50K since thats all the experience I have thus far.

My runs SUCKED these past two weeks... I mean, we're talking dropping to paces I can usually speed-walk at, and  just overall fatigue. SO I pulled back, dropped the milage, took some more time for me. 

I cancelled my goal of racing at the Cherry Blossom 10 miler and just had fun running with Jenn as she re-entered the racing world after her own personal battle. And she did wonderfully. I am so blessed to have shared that with her, and Hope she knows how bless I feel, because my attitude that day was disappointing. I was stressed, cold, and probably quite frustrating, as I've been to many. My deepest apologies. I have hit my limit. 

But with less than 3 weeks until my Labor of Love... A true and honest labor of love that I have chosen to take part it to honor my friends of the The 6th branch and all of the men and women their work represents. ... I MUST rest or risk actually breaking down.

The balance has become very thin. Rest is essential this last couple weeks... but I must Try not to lose muscle as the fatigue I've dealt with has cut my hill and strength training already. And my endurance... 4 mo. of building.... to have one week too long recovery before a run like this... 

I will finish either way (with the exception of medical error)...but I am ready for a 50 mi run in 1 week... which is 1 week early. So I have one LAST long run >15 mi.  to get in, there was two scheduled, but this run is essential for my body- but more so for my mind....

Can I do this, and still continue on in my recovery- injury free, because at this moment, the pain is dulled, but I am aware of its every nerve relay. 

My self-doubt pains me. And because I entrusted a piece of this fear in private, against my intelligence of self, that piece was taken from me or in some other perspective- I willingly gave it away. 

I Need My Integrity. I Need to be whole. And I need to be who I say that I am, who I believe that I am. 

For my faults I am deeply sorry. But I am a runner, and I will continue to run because I believe that there is a purpose behind my efforts, a purpose on my life journey that I will follow to its end, wherever that may lie. But a man once saved my life, actually a father and a son- two men, saved my life, and in their honor I will fight to save others or at least, within my means, to make whomever's life I touch, more wholesome.

This is Me, whether I run 5 mi tomorrow or 25mi.... I will be ok, because you have believed in me so strongly, that I have grown to believe in myself. And this faith, provided by you ALL... is the only thing holding me together. This is what must heal me in 2 weeks time. 

Much Love and Respect. <3

14 days to Labor of Love 50 mile run

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